


The Fallout Lead Us Here

by LeNoLifeLoser



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, I shouldn't be starting another thing but here I am, Ignore everything canon when it comes to Ontari, Jericho AU, She could've been interesting and nevermind, There are some strange relationships here, bear with me I'm gonna tell you a story, she won't sexually assault Murphy in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-04-17 05:53:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14182278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeNoLifeLoser/pseuds/LeNoLifeLoser
Summary: After the death of her uncle, Lexa returns to Arkadia to claim her inheritance. She'd expected the less than welcome reception, but she hadn't expected to stay in town for more than a couple of hours. When a nuclear bomb is dropped on the nearby city of Denver, Lexa is left stranded in a town she once called home, surrounded by the ghosts of her past.Oh, and Clarke Griffin is there too. How could she forget?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I guess I should start with this: I have no excuses. I'm out man, I'm just gonna go where the muse takes me broh. I'm not ignoring Pinch Me, or Out of the Sky. Consider it productive procrastination. CONTENT WARNINGS BELOW, PLEASE READ THIS NOTE.
> 
> That being said, let's get into the disclaimers and notes about this here pain in the ass.  
> 1\. It's based on Jericho, a show you can watch on Netflix about a tiny Kansas town surviving after several atomic bombs decimate every major city in America! It's only got two seasons, but it's second season is a monument to the dedication of its fans. Jericho was originally cancelled after one season, but following an in show joke, the producers' offices were flooded with peanuts sent by fans begging for another season. They got one! Let's celebrate a super dedicated fanbase by paying homage to another, totally separate super dedicated fanbase.  
> 2\. None of the characters add up to any of the characters on Jericho. Lexa doesn't equal Jake, and so on so forth.  
> 3\. One of the plotlines in Jericho includes Jake confronting his self-destructive path, and frankly I like it. Lexa is gonna be a little impulsive, but as we see in Clarke in the 100, she grows into her leadership roles. We'll see both our little nuggets become the leaders we recognize from canon.  
> 4\. That being said, #3 means people are gonna be kinda mean, sometimes rightfully so, and sometimes not. Lexa is gonna deal with some bullshit on all sides, so is Clarke, probably. That doesn't mean I'm bashing on Lexa (if you're familiar with me, then you know I'm like really highkey in love w/ her) and it doesn't mean the other characters are going to hate her forever. It's a process broh.  
> 5\. People are going to do and say some shitty things. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don't.   
> 6\. There are gonna be some rough themes, but I'm not planning anything beyond maybe some canon-typical violence. For now, especially in the next couple of chapters we're probably going to see some mental health wrangling (idk probably just mentions of illnesses or symptoms of illnesses like PTSD, depression, the likes), some references to drug and alcohol abuse (no depiction, just mentions of prior abuse and a little bit of the recovery process?), and there's probably going to be a little bit of verbally abusive behavior. Anya and Octavia both say some downright mean things here, and they're not fair and they're not healthy and they WILL be dealt with accordingly in due time. I don't think I've let anyone down before, and so I'm asking my readers to trust that what I have included here may hurt, but it has its purpose and it definitely benefits the story in like, a real way. Give the fic time and you'll get answers to your questions, as well as resolutions to the troubling conflicts you see take shape here in the first chapter.
> 
> :)

One of the benefits of a rental car included working air conditioning. Lexa’s beat-up, rust-bucket of a truck never had working air conditioning, back when she still had a truck. She’d have to rely on open windows and speeding to keep the heavy Kansas summer heat at bay. Which never seemed to be a problem, not when she was always running off to cause some sort of trouble, and _certainly_ not when there was a sexy blonde with bare legs for miles sitting in her passenger seat. The heat didn’t bother her, because the heat followed Lexa everywhere she went with that girl.

But right now, Lexa was not in her shitty truck, the windows weren’t rolled down, and there certainly wasn’t a blonde in her passenger seat. Instead, a tiny lime green Chevy Spark blasted its tiny air conditioning with all of the power the poor thing could muster. She sped – she’d changed, but not _that_ much- down the two-lane highway. They called it a highway, but was it a highway really? The movement of the lines as her car hummed was the most interesting part of her drive. Faded yellow and white lines that raced alongside her, separating the pavement from the endless fields of corn. A cloudless day, no breeze, just the whirring engine and Lexa’s line-companions.

There were no clouds in the sky, but as she approached the tiny pop-up town in the middle of the cornfields, Lexa’s day darkened. Every mile was a new weight on her mood. She would see her sisters again, her uncle. Her friends, the Blakes, Lincoln. She dreaded it all.

The worst part -if Lexa were pressed to confess the swirling of emotions in her chest- was that nagging excitement, the hope. She’d called Anya from a payphone to let her know she was coming, and she deeply regretted that fact. Anya had sounded, not excited, but perhaps relieved? Lexa wasn’t dead, and she kept up with the family, as much as she could without actually talking to them. Part of her, Lexa knew, hoped that word of her return would reach the right people, that even if she didn’t deserve it, she would still get a warm welcome.

The last time Anya had seen her, Lexa had been in cuffs.

Lexa knew she was half an hour out from Arkadia when the Denver radio station crackled in and out. Another five minutes and it was all static. Lexa didn’t bother to change the station, she didn’t bother to turn the static off at all. It didn’t register over the drowning cacophony of her thoughts.

Five years. After Five years she was finally back in Arkadia.

If everything went well, she’d be on her way out before dinner. If everything went well, Anya would play nice (she wouldn’t, Lexa already knew this). If everything went well, she would get her inheritance without a fight (she wouldn’t, what claim did she really have after leaving so long ago?). And if everything went _really_ well, she’d discover Lincoln sober and happy and Ontari prepping her college applications. If everything went well, the Blakes would sit for a beer, Murphy too, if he was out of prison already. If everything went well, Indra would see her, shake her hand and move on. And if everything went absolutely ideal, she wouldn’t run into a single Griffin.

Lexa knew, in her heart of hearts, that this would not go well. Lexa and Arkadia didn’t mix well, and the turmoil she had left in her wake couldn’t possibly be solved by radio silence and her hands over her eyes. That being said, Lexa had no intention of confronting her past if she could avoid it. She was a coward, she knew that, but her character development came in baby steps, and not everything could be fixed in one go.

By the time road signs began displaying the Arkadia name, Lexa was practically in town square. The town was that small. Everyone knew everyone there. No one moved in, and very few people moved out. Lexa shook the town to its core as a kid, and she could only imagine the rumor mill following her arrest and subsequent disappearance.

She began to see signs of civilization, a truck parked on the side of the road, a mailbox, and then all at once, produce stands, the grocery store, the church, the gas station, people milling about chatting. She pulled up alongside a couple of dented trucks outside the produce stand. Her polished, brightly colored, eco-friendly car stood out among the worn-down practicality of farm life, but none the less, Lexa was home.

Lexa cut the car and took a long moment to breathe deeply. As soon as the air conditioning cut, the temperature in the car rose steeply, and Lexa was driven out into the sunlight long before she was necessarily ready.

The sun beat down on her bare shoulders, and Lexa pushed her sunglasses up on her head to squint around the lot. She wiped her sweaty palms across her thighs, only to realize her thighs were just as sweaty. Home sweet home.

“Do my eyes deceive me or is that Lexa fucking Woods?” A voice called out from the produce stand.

“Blake, the senior,” Lexa greeted, an easy lopsided smile forming as she strolled towards her friend. “How are you doing, Bellamy?”

Bellamy stepped around the stand to greet her. Tall and broad shouldered, Bellamy was frankly beautiful. Even Lexa could appreciate the curly dark hair and the freckles across his face. He had kind brown eyes that sparkled in the light. It didn’t fool Lexa, she knew he had a grim, brooding streak and the two of them together made for bad decisions. But Bellamy was intensely protective over his little sister, and that kept him well out of the trouble Lexa tended to cause. If he threw away his life the way Lexa did, no one would be there to take care of his sister.

“I’m doing alright.” Bellamy grinned. He was boyishly handsome, he knew his smile was swoon-worthy and it drove Lexa up the wall when he turned that charm on her. Which is exactly why he did it. “Better now that you’re here.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Lexa socked his shoulder. “What about Octavia?”

Bellamy’s smile widened. “She’s doing great. Home from school for the summer. She’s with Lincoln now, but don’t tell her I know. She’s been hiding it for months, thinks she’s sneaky.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I caught him sneaking out early one morning while I was making coffee. He had the decency to look embarrassed, so I gave him a pass. Hard to dislike him, if I’m honest.”

Lexa fought the guilt churning in her gut. “How has he been? You know, the last time I saw him…”

“He’s clean.” Bellamy’s smile faded. “He worked really fucking hard for it. I’d gotten a call from him more than once begging for help. I hear it’s the first few years that are the worst. He says it never really stops. I don’t know. He’s doing great right now. Octavia is proud.”

Lexa couldn’t shake the lingering guilt, though something squeezing around her heart seemed to loosen. If Bellamy noticed her inner struggle, he did nothing to lessen it.

“I’m really glad.” Lexa’s smile turned sad. “I have to go, unfortunately. It was nice seeing you, Bell.”

“You’re not staying?”

Lexa shook her head. “Bellamy, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last five years, it’s that I was never meant for Arkadia.”

Bellamy nodded slowly. “Okay, I have to get going too. I’m meeting up with a grad student from K-State. She’s doing a capstone for her engineering degree on agricultural technology. I don’t really understand it.” They turned from each other after one last handshake. “And Lexa? I’m sorry about your Uncle. He was a good man.”

Lexa nodded, if only Bellamy knew. “Thanks Bell. Good luck.”

She pushed her hair from the back of her neck, wiping the sweat pooling at her nape. She wandered down the main road towards the only grocery store in town. She figured she shouldn’t show up to her childhood home for the first time in several years empty-handed. She knew Anya liked whisky, but there were ordinance laws that prevented grocery stores from carrying liquor. She could ask Hannah where her son was, buy a joint or two off of Monty, but she figured showing up with illicit drugs would undo her efforts at appearing reformed.

Wandering down the aisles of the grocery store, Lexa perused the candy section, remembering fond times shoplifting with- no. She shouldn’t think about that. She grabbed a bag of Ontari’s favorite candy. Smiling slightly at the way she used to tease her younger sister for liking those old Brach’s strawberry candies. She knew for a fact the only reason Hannah started ordering them was because Ontari had begged her. Afterwards she wandered towards the cookie aisle. Anya liked butter cookies, she’d bring a package of those.

Hannah Green was working the checkout counter when Lexa shuffled through. She cringed at the double take she earned from the older woman. Hannah looked just the same, from the faded vest to the chipped nametag to the same stringy hair, though there were new streaks of grey Lexa didn’t remember.

“Lexa Woods. It’s been a long time.” Hannah’s smile was strained. Lexa remembered a time when Hannah would chase her and her sister down the aisles, pretending to be a dinosaur. She remembered the squeals of laughter, and the halfhearted scolding Lexa earned when she knocked things over. Hannah Green had taught her how to count change long before the school ever did.

“It has, how have you and Monty been?” Lexa let her midwestern drawl color her voice again. After years of suppressing her accent, it came back with a vengeance.

Hannah nodded tightly. “We’ve been well. He has a computer science degree, he works in cybersecurity.”

Lexa grinned. “If I remember correctly he was always really good with computers. I bet he’s good at what he does.”

Hannah’s smile dimmed. “Lexa, you should get out of town as soon as you can. Remember why you left? There’s nothing left for you here.”

Lexa stiffened, dropping all sense of propriety. “Hannah-“

“No, listen to me. Arkadia does not want you here. Poor Clarke Griffin-“

“Enough.” Lexa snapped. “I’m leaving town tonight anyway. I’m here to collect my inheritance and then I’ll be gone. Keep the change.”

Lexa was out of the store in three quick strides, breathless from the sudden transition from cool air conditioning to oppressive heat. She had to admit, she expected that kind of reaction from the citizens of Arkadia. But expecting and experiencing were two different things, as she very well knew.

She kept her head down for the rest of the walk down main street. She recognized just about every face she passed, but thankfully, not many noticed her. She turned down a side street and began the half mile walk through the residential neighborhoods towards her childhood home.

Children she didn’t recognize played soccer in the streets. Teenagers she remembered as small children played touch football in the same empty lot Lexa played in when she was young. Old Vera Kane no longer sat on the front porch watching the children with a smile and cooler of juice boxes, and Lexa’s heart sank at the implications.

So much was the same, and yet, Lexa couldn’t ignore the way Arkadia didn’t wait for her as it grew and developed. Lexa had thought Arkadia would always be the same, the people would never change, and she had hated it. Yet Lexa wondered if that were really true.

Lexa had to jog past the Griffin’s house. If she stopped to think, she would do something stupid, and she knew her presence would _certainly_ not be appreciated there. Lexa finally arrived at the walkway up to the front door she remembered barging through so many times throughout her childhood. The brick walkway wormed through the front yard. The grass was lush and green and perhaps just long enough to warrant mowing. Tall oak trees, planted decades before Lexa was ever even a possibility, swayed in the slight breeze. Heather bushes lined the perimeter of the two-story plantation style house.

The front porch was well shaded, and a two-seated porch swing squeaked with every forward sway. Despite the friendly personality of the house, Lexa could only sense foreboding.

She jogged up the steps, took a breath, and knocked four times. All at once wincing at the dead giveaway. Anya had always considered it curious the way Lexa always knocked four times rather than the natural three. It was just one of the things Lexa did. A quirk.

Lexa shifted her weight from foot to foot and the thudding of her heart drowned out the singing of the robins nested in the trees behind her.

The door swung open so fast Lexa nearly startled.

Right there on the front porch of a childhood home, after five years of radio silence, Lexa stood face to face with her older sister. Anya had high cheek bones and beautiful brown eyes that glittered in the sunlight. Her scowl turned men to stone if they dared to look her in the eye, though, Lexa admitted, perhaps that was Medusa. She mixed them up sometimes.

“Anya,” Lexa tried to smile. If she averted her eyes, Anya wouldn’t attack. Or was that wolves?

Anya cleared her throat and raised her chin, as if fortifying herself from a siege. “Lexa, you’re late.”

Lexa lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. “It wouldn’t be a proper family reunion if I were on time.”

Lexa could see the corners of Anya’s eyes crinkle, she still had a sense of humor, at least. “I suppose some people just don’t change.”

Lexa’s playful mood dropped like a stone in a lake. “Guess not.”

“Come in.”

“I brought your favorite cookies.”

“Thank you,”

“I also have those strawberry candies- does she still like those?”

Anya halted dead in the foyer. The same pictures lined the walls, the same ugly beige paint, the worn hardwood floors, two pairs of shoes by the door. Worn boots and a pair of running sneakers, Lexa toed her own chucks off with a steadying hand on the same spot on the wall she always used.

“Ontari isn’t here.” Anya’s voice was hard and cold, and an all too familiar shudder ran down Lexa’s spine. Anya had always toed the line between big sister and mother for Lexa and Ontari, and now that Pavlovian response to her tone of voice had Lexa shrinking backwards.

“What? Where is she?”

“You know exactly where she is.” Anya growled, cornering Lexa against the wall with her glare.

“What are you talking about?”

“What rock have you been living under?”

“Just answer the question, Anya!” Lexa yelled. “Where is my sister?”

Anya’s eyes flashed. “Don’t you yell at me.”

“Then tell me!”

“She went to Nia.” Anya snarled.

Lexa’s world stopped for a beat. She knew this trip wouldn’t go well. But there was no way she could have predicted how badly things had gone since she had left. “How long?”

“Since right after you disappeared.” Anya crossed her arms, glaring down her nose at Lexa. “You disappeared and our family fell apart.”

“You can’t blame me for this.”

“Can’t I?” Anya tossed back. “Who introduced her to Nia? Who taught her how to jump start a car, let alone drive it?”

“Only on back roads out in the fields, she wanted to feel big.”

“She was twelve.”

“I had my hand on the wheel the whole time.”

“But you taught her how to drive.” Anya threw her hands up in the air. “And you introduced her to Nia, and you taught her how to get away with things like that. And _you_ were always the one she looked up to. _You_ were a bad influence on her, and now she’s lost to _Nia_.”

Lexa shrunk in on herself. “She’s been with Nia all these years?”

“Jesus, Lexa. Do you ever listen when someone is talking to you? If you hadn’t left, Ontari would still be here, and out of trouble, applying for scholarships.”

Lexa stared down at her sock-clad feet. “I didn’t have much of a choice.”

“Bullshit, there’s always a choice. You could’ve gotten your act straight whenever you wanted but you _chose_ not to.” Anya turned away, disappearing down the hall.

Lexa took a deep breath before following after her sister, she would need any ounce of control she could possibly muster. “I was out of control and you knew it. I was self-destructive.”

“Destructive alright. Not sure you only destroyed yourself.” Anya grumbled. “What do you want? How quickly can I get you out of here?”

Lexa had to ignore the sting. Sure, Hannah had said something similar, but Anya was family. “I came to claim my inheritance from Titus.”

“No,” Anya shrugged. “Get out.”

“It’s my money!”

“It was your money when you were still part of this family!” Anya jabbed her finger into Lexa’s chest. “Titus didn’t leave a will, I’m in charge of his assets, and I know for a fact he wouldn’t want you to have a dime.”

“He wouldn’t want any of us to have a dime.” Lexa snarled, the fury overriding her guilt. “He hated all three of us. Just give me my share and I’ll be on my way.”

“Get out of my house.”

“No,” Lexa stood her ground. “I’m not giving up on this Anya, I need that money.”

“Oh? Paying your bar tab getting difficult?”

“Fuck you,”

“I think that’s my line.”

Lexa sneered. “Really? You’re going to let me be the mature one?”

Anya scoffed and pushed past Lexa. “I have somewhere to be. Get out of my way.”

“I’m not leaving until I have that money!” Lexa called as the front door slammed with a window rattling bang.

 

 

 

Clarke jogged cheerfully down the sidewalk towards her favorite place in the entire town of Arkadia: the bar. A friend of hers from school had taken it over from the previous owner, and Nylah did a fine job of renovating the dive and turning it into a decent hangout. Octavia worked the joint part time, and it’s where most of them spent their evenings. That day was one of Anya’s only days off, and Octavia didn’t mind the early afternoon company.

The rush of cool air nearly bowled Clarke over as she shoved her way in. “Sorry I’m late!”

“And Griffin deigns to grace us with her presence!” Called a woman from one of the booths in the back. “It’s about time!”

“Oh, cool it, Reyes, I’m five minutes late.” Clarke rolled her eyes as she picked her way around tables and chairs to reach the booths. “Besides, Anya isn’t here yet. Get off my ass.”

“Voices down or I’m kicking you out!” A blonde woman drying glasses behind the bar yelled out.

“Whatever, Niylah. You wouldn’t risk your relationship with your most loyal customers, would you?” Raven drawled, taking another pull from her beer. “Anyway, sit down already. How come nobody told me O’s brother is ridiculously hot?”

Octavia rolled her eyes from her own corner of the booth. “We assumed you were too busy drooling over Woods to notice my brother.”

“I’m an equal opportunity ogler, right Lincoln?” Raven quipped, eyes cutting to Lincoln’s stoic figure.

He cracked a smile and took a drink from his water. “She’s right, you two. Let Raven live.”

Octavia pinched his side. “You’re not allowed to side with her, she was talking about Bellamy’s ass a minute ago.”

“It’s a nice one.” Lincoln smirked, high-fiving Raven across the table.

“Why do I love you?” Octavia groaned.

“Because I’m pretty.” Raven cooed.

“Speaking of pretty, where’s Anya?” Clarke muttered, accepting her own beer from Niylah with a wink. “She’s never late.”

Octavia bit her lip. “She texted me earlier. Said she’d be a little late. She had stuff to take care of.”

“Everything good at the station?” Clarke furrowed her brows.

Octavia didn’t bother to answer. “So Rae, how was the tour with Bell? You figure out how you’re going about this capstone of yours?”

Raven shrugged. “I don’t know. I was thinking about checking out that irrigation system a little closer and seeing about how to make it more efficient. Or maybe a better way to introduce vital nutrients to the soil between crop rotations?”

“Sounds fascinating.” A voice drawled from behind them. The four turned to greet Anya, though Clarke didn’t miss the way Raven’s eyes drew the Sheriff’s figure in hungrily.

“Look, I’ll figure something out.” Raven smirked, letting her gaze roam. “What kept you so long? We missed you.”

“I’m sure.” Anya rolled her eyes. “I was late because my sister decided to make an appearance.”

Clarke’s world screeched to a halt. She swore her heart stopped the moment those words left Anya’s lips. The others in the room didn’t seem to notice the crumbling of Clarke’s entire universe, but all Clarke could hear was the blood rushing in her ears.

“Oh? Nia finally loosened her leash a little?” Lincoln raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t think of her as the type.” Clarke struggled to breathe, she forgot Anya had two sisters. She could handle Ontari back in town.

“Not Ontari.”

And there it was. Clarke stared at the pint in her hands. The blood drained from her knuckles as her grip tightened with the quickening pace of her pulse. Ontari she could handle, but the other sister?

“Lexa’s back huh?” Lincoln leaned back in his seat. “God help us all.”

Octavia’s lips pressed tight in a line. “She back for good?”

Clarke struggled to keep her breathing steady, she hardly noticed Anya sit next to her and pat her thigh. “No, she plans on leaving by tonight.”

“Thank god.” Octavia snarled.

“Watch it.” Anya grumbled back. “You think I don’t understand? She’s still my sister.”

“Wait, who’s Lexa?” Raven asked from the other side of Clarke, completely unaware of the swirling emotions threatening to completely overtake her.

“My sister.”

“I fucking gathered, Anya.” Raven snapped. “Y’all act like she’s the worst thing to ever happen to you.”

“She is.” Octavia slammed her pint down angrily. “She nearly destroyed all of our lives.”

“That’s not true and you know it.” Lincoln spoke calmly, resting a hand on his girlfriend’s thigh.

“You’re right! Just yours.”

“Blake, I swear to fucking god.” Anya threatened. “Leave it.”

“Octavia, it’s done. You know it’s not her fault.”

“Not her fault,” Octavia scoffed. “You know that it is.”

“I’m as much at fault for my own shortcomings as she is. She was a bad influence, but in the end, it was me. I know that, Anya knows it, it’s time you accepted it.” Lincoln shook his head, he turned back to Raven. “Lexa is… I don’t know how to explain it. She’s the one who introduced me to drugs. I didn’t start with heroin, but you know, it spiraled, as it does. I let it get out of hand.”

“She dragged you down with her, Linc.”

“Enough.” Lincoln was calm, but the warning in his voice ended the argument.

Octavia huffed, cradling her drink closer to her chest. “I stand by what I said. She’s a fuck-up. Anya can’t even explain that away.”

Anya slammed a hand on the table. “Shut up, Blake. If you think for one second I won’t pummel you into the ground-“

“Oh, that’s professional of you, Sheriff. Will you arrest yourself or should I call your deputy?” Octavia’s eyes flashed in anger. “Your _sister_ screwed everyone in this town completely over. When’s the last time you saw her, huh? Cuz I remember she was coked out and in cuffs.”

“She was drunk.” Clarke was so quiet she was surprised they even heard her. She could hardly stand Lincoln’s sympathetic eyes across from her, so she stared down at her beer. “She was drunk and scared, Octavia.”

“What did Lexa Woods have to be scared of?” Octavia countered. “I don’t understand why you, of all people, are defending her.”

“I’m not.” Clarke’s voice sounded steadier than she felt. She raised her chin, hoping that Octavia wouldn’t be able to pick out her weakness. “But I’m not _stupid_ enough to ignore it. She was scared. You didn’t see the look in her eyes, O. I did. You forget I knew her better than all of you, except maybe Anya. She was _terrified_.”

“Of what, huh?” Octavia rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know.” Clarke lowered her voice. “It must have been bad though. She was scared. She wouldn’t just leave town the way she did if she didn’t have a reason.”

Anya shook her head slowly. “She didn’t know about Ontari.”

“Your other sister, right?” Raven asked, ignoring the dreadful silence. “She disappeared too.”

“She joined a gang based near here.” Anya pried Clarke’s drink from her hands and took a hearty swig. “Meth labs and boosted cars and weapons. Heavy shit.”

“Oh,” Raven watched the Sheriff with a small frown. “I’m sorry.”

Anya shook her head again. “It’s not your fault. It’s Lexa’s.”

Clarke clenched her jaw and snatched her drink back. “I remember you had something to do with it too.”

“Oh? Like care for and protect my sisters because my uncle wouldn’t do it for me?” Anya snarled.

“Like refusing to actually talk to them when they needed you.” Clarke shoved Anya out of the booth and slipped out herself. She stood to stare at her friends. “I’m heading out. I’ll see you guys later.”

“You just got here!” Raven protested; though she was promptly hushed by Lincoln. Clarke knew they would be catching up her friend on the hot gossip of Arkadia from five years ago.

“Yeah, I had a long day with the kids. And besides, I have to get everything ready for that field trip to Denver tomorrow.” Clarke shrugged halfheartedly. She strolled across the bar, struggling to remain aloof as she handed her pint to Niylah. The other woman smiled softly and took the glass from her. “Thanks, Niylah. I'll see you guys later."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaaa so weirdly quick update for me, enjoy!

Anya didn’t come home that night.

Lexa had expected that, she knew her sister. They may not have spoken in years, but Anya worked a certain way, and Lexa had plenty of experience growing up learning. She cooked a small, plain meal and made sure to leave some in the fridge for Anya. It wasn’t much, but Lexa had never been much of a cook.

She wandered about the house slowly, nothing had changed since she had left, though things were more organized and clean then they were when a twelve-year-old still lived there. Lexa planted herself on the old couch she couldn’t remember a time without. She didn’t bother to turn on the television, she knew she wouldn’t be able to focus on anything with the guilt and fear rattling about in her head.

Her sister had gone to Nia.

Anya knew of Nia, but she had never met her. Lexa knew her, had been indebted to her once upon a time. She knew how she operated, knew the extent of her power, and her psychopathy. Lexa knew exactly what Nia was capable of, and to know that her sister was involved with her sent tremors through her entire body.

Anya said that Ontari was with Nia, but Lexa knew that there was a high likelihood her sister had died years ago.

Nausea built in the back of her throat, and Lexa feared she would spew all over the living room. She stood to pace about the house, trying to avoid the one room she knew would cut her to pieces.

But as the sun set and the house darkened, Lexa knew she would need to sleep, and this was just going to have to be one of the fears she faced today. With a shaky sigh, Lexa shuffled down the hall to her childhood bedroom.

Just outside the door, Lexa couldn’t help but to think about all of the wonderful memories she had in that room. From pelting her sister from across the room with her sweaty softball socks to sneaking out to see Clarke in the middle of the night. For a few minutes, the nostalgia bit back the grief.

Lexa wasn’t sure exactly what she was expecting when she finally twisted the knob to step inside. Perhaps a time capsule from five years ago? A room frozen in time and space, just like the rest of the house?

That wasn’t what she was met with. Instead she choked on the smell of must and clouds of dust billowing up to make her sneeze. The room was barren. No posters on the wall, not the women’s soccer players Lexa pinned up, less out of a love for women’s soccer and more out of a love for women’s soccer players. No boy bands on Ontari’s side of the wall. No trophies or artwork, no toys or trinkets or dog-eared books.

The beds didn’t even have sheets on them. Barren, musty mattresses sagged on their bedframes gathering dust. The nightstands, dressers, and desks were stacked with cardboard boxes. Lexa found an ironing board behind the door.

Lexa wondered if Titus had waited even a week before he cleaned out his nieces’ room.

Lexa heaved a sigh. She would need to find bedclothes for her mattress and hope the dust didn’t suffocate her.

 

 

Clarke loved mornings. Especially during the summer. She didn’t always love mornings, as a kid, but as a teenager, and later an adult, she loved her bed and spending lazy mornings holed away in a dark room with her best friend and drowsy eyes. She loved to listen to the doves hoot in that unique tune of theirs, a sound she associated so heavily with summer and lazy days that it always took her longer to get out of bed the day the birds come back to sing. When she did manage to roll out of bed in the morning, she loved to walk outside in the cool dewy air. The sun fresh up and promising to burn later, after its morning coffee. Clarke loved the cool down, the fresh smell that seemed to only exist when it’s summertime. It was a unique Zen that she shared with no one else. Early in the morning, before the world was awake, Clarke had the time to meditate on the feeling of life she could feel coursing through her very being.

Now though, she didn’t have a warm body to tuck herself under and doze between whispered conversations and foul-smelling yawns. She had an actual adult job now, and she needed to be there. The kids had been vibrating with excitement for the Friday field trip to the Denver art museum all week, and she would need her full focus and attention in keeping everyone organized and on time.

Of course, Clarke’s mind wasn’t focused on the field trip or the road trip songs she would lead to keep the kids occupied on the bus, it was focused entirely on one woman. Lexa had always had that effect on her, and she was exhausted. So, Clarke bypassed grief and went straight to fury.

How dare she?

How _dare_ Lexa disappear into thin air just to reappear again once Clarke had finally gotten her life together. How _dare_ she leave Clarke to flounder as her world fell to pieces around her without so much as a goodbye. How _dare_ she saunter back into town like nothing had happened.

How dare she?

Clarke had to physically stop herself as she slammed open her front door to walk to the elementary school. She needed to breathe, her students didn’t deserve to face her wrath today. Today was supposed to be fun and they wouldn’t have fun if their teacher couldn’t separate her feelings from duty.

So, Clarke huffed a breath and made her way to work.

 

 

Lexa hated mornings. She loathed them. All evil things happened in the morning, like alarm clocks and math classes and morning jogs. Once upon a time she could put up with mornings, but only when Clarke was there giggling and placing sweet kisses to her cheeks.

Though she hated mornings, she couldn’t sleep in any longer. The last five years had been difficult, and one of the things that got her through was her morning jogs.

Jogging, running, was evil. Lexa didn’t know a single person who truly enjoyed running. She knew people who were good at it. She knew people who lied to themselves to justify their own self-loathing. She knew people who jogged out of obligation or habit or some sick twist of self-care. Lexa? She ran because she needed to. There was self-loathing, of course, but Lexa would never lie to herself about that. She ran to keep her body running, to keep her mind in check. But that doesn’t mean she quite enjoyed the burn in her lungs and legs. That doesn’t mean she’d wouldn’t rather be asleep.

Her jog about the neighborhood, though miserable, was at least nice. Lexa had only ever run in awful weather, usually in the blinding sunlight on shifting sand so hot it burned her calves when she kicked it up or freezing sleet so thick every step flirted with death and every breath coated the inside of her lungs with ice. But in the early morning Kansas sun, with the dew still in the air, and real pavement beneath her feet, this was luxurious.

Trees passed by as her feet slapped against the pavement. The doves sang, the breeze whispered to her as it shifted, it was a picturesque day. The kind of day that starred in summer flicks with bikini clad girls and charming boys and no problems.

Lexa could almost feel the weight of Arkadia lift a bit from her shoulders, until she turned down a street and saw blonde hair and paper-stuffed binders clutched tight across the street.

Once upon a time, Lexa had been smooth, could play it off whenever someone managed to fluster her. She was stoic and put together.

And then Clarke happened.

Much like the first times, like every time she saw Clarke throughout the entirety of her life, Lexa’s heart stopped and then stuttered back to an unsteady rapid pace. Lexa didn’t remember coming to a halt to watch Clarke from across the street. She couldn’t be bothered to think about how much she had dreaded this moment, the moment she would see Clarke for the first time in five years.

Every ounce of Lexa’s being yearned to talk to her again, to hear the rasp of her voice, the way her nose crinkled when she smiled, the way her tongue poked out between her teeth. In that moment, seeing Clarke speed-walking down the sidewalk with binders and folders overflowing in her arms, Lexa’s worries drowned in her own sensory overload. Clarke didn’t look up at all. She was too busy juggling papers and hiking her satchel up on her shoulder. Lexa was invisible.

She soaked it in like a drowning man gulping down his first breaths of air. Her sun-bleached locks were pulled back in a messy bun, it gave Lexa a perfect, devastating view of her face, even from across the street. Her pretty blue eyes were narrowed in concentration, but the furrow in her brow told Lexa that her thoughts were not pleasant. She grew up with that girl, and though it’d been five years, Lexa could still read her like a book, could see the tension in her shoulders and that angry set of her jaw. Lexa pitied the poor soul who put that look on her face.

Lexa watched her walk by in a trance. It wasn’t until she nearly swallowed a fly that she realized she had been gaping in astonishment.

Embarrassed and a little disgusted, Lexa turned tail and made her way back towards her childhood home. She’d have coffee ready for whenever Anya decided to slink back home.

 

Lexa was entirely distracted by the time Anya made her way through the door. She wore the same clothes as she had when she left and sported hickeys across her throat. Lexa didn’t move from her position leaning against the counter, her now empty coffee mug still pressed to her lips. She stared off into space, lost in thoughts of Clarke and lifelong regrets she knew she would always carry with her.

“Any left for me?” Anya called, snapping her fingers in front of Lexa’s nose.

With a shake Lexa finally turned to her sister. “Yeah, there’s leftovers in the fridge.”

“I told you to get out last night.”

“And I said I wasn’t leaving.”

Anya sighed in defeat. “Give me an hour and I’ll have your check. Just, you need to leave Lexa.”

Lexa tried to take a sip from her mug, but upon realizing it was empty, she set in the sink to be washed later. “I forgot the creamer, no wonder it sucked.”

“You good, _goufa_?”

Lexa blinked away the tears the _Trigedasleng_ brought to her eyes. It’d been so long since she’d heard anyone speak her first language, let alone spoken it herself. “Fine, distracted.”

“You shouldn’t have come here.”

“If I hadn’t would you have sent me the money?”

“No.”

“Then I had to.” Lexa shook her head. “That money is important, I need it.”

“For what?” Anya tore a creamer packet open with her teeth. “You got gang debt or something?”

“No.” Lexa deflated. She didn’t have the energy to fight with her sister, she knew she deserved those assumptions. “I’ve grown up, you know? I need the money for a down payment on an apartment. My contract is up after my next tour and I don’t think I’ll sign on for another. I’ll try to settle down somewhere. Stay out of trouble.”

“Tour?” Anya turned to her sister. The way she furrowed, Lexa could see the underlying worry underneath her curiosity. “What tour?”

Lexa shrugged. “I was in Afghanistan for a bit. Brief stint in Iraq, Yemen. Officially I was nowhere near Syria, but you know.”

“ _Jesus_ , Lexa.” Anya blinked rapidly, Lexa had to remind herself not to shift under that scrutinizing gaze. There had only been three people in the world who could make her squirm with just a look, and one of them was dead. “What- When did you enlist?”

Lexa shrugged again, she’d take a page out of Anya’s book and ride her stoicism as far as it could take her. “As soon as all my legal charges were dropped.”

“I just assumed you went to jail.”

“Vote of confidence. Appreciated.”

“C’mon Lex, you know that was a reasonable assumption given the circumstances.”

And suddenly Lexa’s fight rushed back. “Yeah, I distinctly remember being completely _fucking_ alone.” Lexa snarled, she’d done some shitty things in the past, but Lexa thought she at least deserved the unconditional love and support from the one person who had always looked out for her. “I left for a lot of reasons, but I knew, I _knew_ that if I came back I’d be even more isolated and alone here.”

“Don’t exaggerate, Lexa, you’ve never needed anyone.” Anya raised her chin.

“My one call was to you!” Lexa yelled, desperately trying to bite back her tears. “Face it.” Lexa lowered her voice to a whisper, just inches from Anya’s face. “You let me down, and you know it. But it’s fine. It’s fine. I have people I care about now, people who’ve never decided their reputation was more important than my wellbeing.” And yes, Lexa was bluffing, she had no one, and she knew likely that it would stay that way. But some sick part of her wanted Anya to hurt the way she did, the way she had over the last five years. She carried so much blame, and it took her a long time to realize that perhaps not all of it was hers to carry.

“You want to talk about loneliness, Lexa?” They were toe to toe now, and Lexa knew that this was perhaps the first time she had so completely and directly challenged her older sister. “When you left, I had no one. Ontari was gone, and you and I both know Titus isn’t much of a conversationalist. But enough about me, let’s talk about _Clarke_.”

“Let’s not.” Lexa’s eyes flashed dangerously, and for the first time in a long time, Lexa could feel that dark anger rise up in her chest. She thought she had control, but she knew if Anya went any further about Clarke, she’d lose it. “I’m not fucking playing around Anya. This is about you and me.”

“Can’t face it?”

Lexa clenched her jaw. The answer was _no_ , _of course not_. But she couldn’t bear to tell Anya that. She couldn’t even admit that to herself late at night when she thought of past mistakes and the desperate longing she kept locked away. She couldn’t face it, she couldn’t think about Clarke, she couldn’t do it.

“That’s not the point, Anya.” Lexa hissed. “Just drink your coffee. I’ll be out of your hair the sooner I get that check. You’ll never have to see me again.”

Anya’s lips pressed into a fine line as she glared at her younger sister. Silently, Anya brushed past Lexa to retreat into the dining room.

Lexa didn’t follow her. She needed the space, she knew Anya needed the space.

Of all the arguments Lexa had with her sister over the years, this one felt different. They were angry and wounded, but worse, perhaps, they were defeated. For the first time in her life, Lexa felt she had truly lost her sister.

She set her jaw. This would be the last time she stepped foot in Arkadia. Anya didn’t want her around, Ontari was likely dead, Clarke didn’t need her. After all of those years she had spent wondering if she had made a mistake leaving everything behind in Arkadia, Lexa finally realized that she truly had nothing left here.

It took Anya thirty minutes to get everything in order. Lexa didn’t waste a second, the moment the check hit her palm she was out the door and making her way back to her car. It was time she left for good.

Lexa’s walk through Arkadia was less a walk and more a march. Her brow set and a vein bulging slightly in her forehead from her clenched jaw, Lexa stormed towards her car with her head held high. This time, she saw the double takes and the stares from the semi-familiar faces she passed. Those people she grew up with, came to know in passing, the people she once considered familiar, but were now closer to strangers than friends.

Hannah Green stopped to watch Lexa pass by as she helped Chelsea Hughes’ grandmother with her groceries. Lexa didn’t spare her a glance. She had what she wanted, and now she was on her way.

Arkadia could go fuck itself.

Lexa breezed past Bellamy’s seasonal produce stand. Octavia was working this time, and when their eyes met, Octavia’s lip curled into a sneer.

Firstly, the skinny teenager crushing on her older brother’s friends had grown up. She was a beautiful woman now. She had filled out over the years, and that wild fire in her eyes had tempered into something smoldering and dangerous. That stubborn jut of her jaw, though, that had always been there, and it was hereditary.

Secondly, she didn’t give a fuck anymore.

She knew for a fact meeting Octavia’s glare with a smirk and a wink would not be a good idea, but goddamn her expression was priceless. But Lexa didn’t break stride, and there was no way Octavia would be able to wrangle herself away from Thelonious Jaha’s rambling in time to catch Lexa. So, she did what she wanted and enjoyed it.

These people hated her, and she didn’t need them. She had a steady job for now, she had the down payment for an apartment, all she needed was to choose where she would go. She could be anyone, go anywhere. She had no ties.

Lexa hardly registered in her darkly smug thoughts that she had already pulled out of her spot and on to the “highway” out of Arkadia. There was something freeing about knowing that she had lost everything. That there was absolutely nothing tying her down. She could remake herself. Her past, her family, her friends had turned to ash. She was on to new things.

The thing about phoenixes is that they burst into flames at the end of their lives. Lexa wasn’t sure, but she figured it was a violent, maybe even painful death. To be eaten by flames, to feel them burn away all of the evil deep within her, Lexa knew through experience that it wasn’t painless.

But the thing about phoenixes is that they are reborn from ash. Those flames melt away the impurities, the sin, and beneath a new life is born. This pain in her chest, the knowledge that her sisters were gone, that Clarke was gone, that everyone she had ever considered her people were gone, had turned their backs. Lexa knew that pain was the final embers of her dying flames. Soon she would be new. This pain was just the last vestiges of her rebirth.

The static of the radio had just begun to crackle back into music when Lexa was pulled out of her thoughts by a bright flash in the distance. She squinted forward and watched as a massive cloud billowed upwards directly ahead of her. Her stomach sank as the cloud took a distinctive shape. She saw the corn plants around her bend backwards under the force of a sudden, hot burst of wind. Lexa could do nothing but gape at the cloud in the distance. It formed a near perfect mushroom.

It was the squeal of tires that warned Lexa a split second too late that the truck barreling down the highway the other direction had drifted over the double yellow lines. Lexa had no time to swerve away before her world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, one of the first times I'm updating here and not apologizing for being like, RIDICULOUSLY late lol. I've got a rugby tournament next weekend so like, when I'm not napping, in pain, or drunk, I'll try and write a lil. I've got some very vivid scenes in my head ready to go, and it's just about piecing them together and getting the order the way I like it.
> 
> Anyway I'm pretty excited with this, it's nitty gritty, it's mean, and it's gonna be a wild ride. Like I'm so excited for all of the stuff I have planned for this. It's gonna be great.
> 
> Unfortunately I haven't made my decision about clexa. Slow burn? Nah? Who knows we'll see!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll yall

When Lexa came to, a horn was blaring, and the distinct tangy smell of blood filled her car. With a grunt, Lexa pushed herself upright and took stock of the situation. The hood of her car was crumpled up so that she couldn’t see ahead out of the cracked windshield. Blood ran down her face from her hairline, her nose, her lips. It was splattered across the deflated air bag in her lap.

Her skull was about to explode. It took an embarrassing amount of time to get untangled from her seatbelt and shove her way out of the car. She scraped her hands and knees when she fell, but she was outside and alive. It was hotter, if that was even possible. But the burn of the asphalt made her all that much more grateful for the continued beating of her heart.

Lexa pushed herself to her feet, she hadn’t just wrecked her car, there was a truck steaming several feet away. That was the horn that was killing her head.

Lexa nearly fell flat on her face the first step she took. Her ankle ached. Goody.

She limped as fast as she could and yanked the door of the truck open. An elderly couple sat slumped in their seats. The airbags hadn’t deployed, the man’s head leaned on the horn, and there was a bloody impact zone on the windshield in front of the woman. For a brief moment, Lexa thought she would throw up, but she knew that wouldn’t do her any good. Both cars were totaled and she needed to call for help. This was how life worked.

Lexa was afraid to look up to where she had seen the cloud. She didn’t want to believe it. It couldn’t be possible. But there wasn’t much she could do about avoiding it, she needed to get her phone from her car, and that meant turning back to where she had seen that damn mushroom cloud.

It was still there. Albeit, it had spread quite a bit, and it was growing larger, but it still had that telltale mushroom shape. Lexa didn’t want to believe it, it had to be over Denver, that’s where she had been heading.

Denver had been hit with a nuclear blast.

 

 

Anya had been filling out paperwork for one of her problem teens on her computer when the lights flickered briefly and everything went dark.

“Does that mean this doesn’t go on my record?” Aden leaned forward, smirking as he stared down the sheriff. “I think Mom is making enchiladas, they’re my favorite.”

Anya rolled her eyes. “You kids may live off of the internet, but you underestimate the power of the bureaucracy. We have paper forms I’ll convert to the system later.”

Aden groaned. “C’mon, let me go.”

“Why, pray-tell would I do that?”

“Cuz you secretly like me.”

Anya grunted. “Even if I did actually like you, I like my job better, if I let you go I wouldn’t have it for very long. Sorry kid, don’t be an idiot.”

“Would you believe me if I said I was innocent?”

“Not a chance.”

“It was worth a shot I guess.”

“It really wasn’t.”

“C’mon Anya!” Aden whined again. “Mom and Dad are out of town, no one is going to come pick me up for like, three days.”

“You’ll be perfectly safe in there for those three days then.” Anya shrugged. “Three square meals a day, you can even nap if you want. Quite luxurious.”

“This is a little much for vandalism.”

“Indra told me to scare you straight.”

“I’m here every other week!”

Anya stood abruptly. She moved to stand in front of where Aden sat behind the little bars of the holding cell. “Kid, you’ve gotta listen to me. I’ve dealt with cases like you before. Get your shit together now, because it will go down from here. You don’t want to end up like- you don’t want to end up in prison far away from here. You’re a good kid, Aden. But this is _not_ the life you want for yourself.”

Aden set his jaw, he needed a haircut. His sandy blonde hair fell into his eyes as he looked up mulishly at the sheriff. He was handsome, had been an adorable kid when he was younger, but he hadn’t quite figured out how to hold himself properly. If Anya were being honest, she’d admit that she did favor Aden. He reminded her of Lexa. In and out of the station for petty things, he wasn’t interested in doing bad things for the sake of bad things, he was just bored.

But Anya loved to chase him down. The kid was not athletic. Don’t get her wrong, he could be. He was impossibly tall and lanky and with a little regular exercise he’d fill out into a healthy, strong man. But currently? The kid behaved less like he knew how to run a half mile and more like he was just renting his limbs for the weekend. Aden was clumsy, almost hilariously so, and it amused Anya to no end.

But truth be told, with the way he was looking at her, she wondered if Aden was somehow related to her younger sister.

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t want.”

There it was. Lexa once again. “I’m not kidding and I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life. The world is much harder to live in, outside of Arkadia. You get away with this shit here, but if you keep it up, it will get you into serious trouble one day. I don’t want to see another kid like you go down.”

Aden shook his head. “Go do your paperwork pig.”

Anya rolled her eyes and strolled back to her desk. Before she could make it, her deputy came rushing in. “Sheriff, there’s been a- there’s been an attack in Denver.”

“What’s going on?”

“I, uh- it. There was a nuclear explosion.” The deputy choked out. “That’s why the lights went out. The new cruisers are down, cell phones out.”

“Holy shit.” Anya steadied herself with a hand on the desk. No one had trained her for this. “We need to get a handle on this. Work the radio, try and get in touch with someone who has information.”

“Anya-“

“What is it?”

“There was a class field trip today.”

Anya’s throat constricted, Clarke was on that trip. It was to Denver- the city currently flattened into a radioactive wasteland.

“How long ago did they leave?”

“Half an hour ago.”

“Thank god, they couldn’t have made it by then. We’ll need to send a retrieval party. We need to get those kids back.” Anya grabbed her hat. “Get to work.”

“Sheriff!” Aden yelped from the corner.

Anya turned to look him in the eye. “Everything’s going to be okay. Sit tight.”

Anya needed to find a way to get to those kids.

 

 

Lexa supposed she should have known that her phone wouldn’t work. She wasn’t an expert, and she considered “military intelligence” to be the best oxymoron, but she did have minimal training for this kind of thing.

She had two priorities, water, and Arkadia.

What a joke. She was finally finished, finally free from that town, and she was left stranded. There would be no leaving Arkadia for a while, not until they could get more information. Lexa would probably be called away nearly immediately once she was able to report back. If the enemy had nuclear weapons… well Lexa would probably be killed in action. She’d have to put her check into her other account. Not that it would do any good, but why save for a future she wouldn’t have?

So, Lexa walked. Her ankle was killing her, and her head pounded. She couldn’t tell if it was dehydration or a concussion or whiplash, probably all of the above, but it still sucked. She carried her pack with her, she had dragged that out of her trunk before she abandoned the crash site. She knew that it would more than likely come in handy and having all of her worldly belongings would at least make her more comfortable when she got back to town.

It was grueling, to say the least.

When she looked in the distance, all she saw was the forever stretching road, and the heat waves radiating off the asphalt. The kids looked like they were running on nothing.

Kids.

Lexa was hallucinating, she was more dehydrated than she thought. She could’ve sworn she’d be fine for another few miles. Then again, she was a little bloody and wounded. Perhaps she overestimated her ability to function while hurt.

But the kids kept running, and now they were yelling at her, waving their hands. They didn’t go away, so Lexa picked up a jog. Every step was agony in her ankle and head, but when she finally reached them, she realized they had been very real.

“Miss, please help!” One of the boys called out. The other boy grabbed her hand and dragged her back the way they had come. “The bus went off the road and our teacher can’t walk we need help!”

“Okay, okay.” Lexa nodded. “Lead the way. Can you tell me your names?”

The minute they told her their names, she had forgotten them, but the point was to get them to calm down. “The bus driver just, drove off the side of the road.”

“I know,”

It was a short walk before Lexa could make out tire tracks on the road, and the school bus stuck in a ditch between the road and a corn field.

“Alright, get in, okay? Let’s see what I can do.”

Lexa shoved open the doors of the bus to climb in after the kids. The bus driver was slumped in his seat much like the elderly couple had been. Another casualty, it seemed.

“L-Lexa?”

Lexa whipped around to find herself face to face with those blue eyes she tried her hardest to forget about late at night. “Clarke?”

The bus was silent, except for the crying of a couple of girls towards the back. The boys, in true boy fashion, were trying their hardest not to look too scared, but not even the meanest kids in the class were willing to point out that they all were holding back scared tears.

Lexa moved forward, kneeling by Clarke’s seat just behind the driver. “What happened?” She lowered her voice. “Those kids said their teacher couldn’t walk.”

“My leg is stuck.” Clarke motioned to her other side. A dent in the side of the bus and the way the seat had buckled kept her leg in place.

“Okay, is it in too much pain?” Lexa asked, trying to ignore the way she wanted to wrap Clarke up in her arms. “I don’t want to move you too much, when we get back to Arkadia the fire department can cut you out.”

Clarke nodded. “The bus driver is dead.”

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded. “I’m going to check on the kids, and then try to get the bus going. The EMP blast shouldn’t affect some of the older cars and stuff.”

“Was it really a…” Clarke trailed off, watching Lexa with a furrowed brow.

“Yeah,” Lexa closed her eyes with a sigh. “Yeah I think it was, right over Denver.”

“We were going to the art museum in Denver.”

Lexa gave her a small smile. “I was supposed to be at the airport.” Lexa didn’t wait for a response. She stood up. “Okay, kids, we’re going to get going. Is anybody hurt? Is there anyone who needs medical attention right now?” When she got a chorus of ‘no’ from every student, Lexa turned to the driver.

Lexa winced, she knew that every one of these kids would remember the day some woman dragged a dead body out of a seat right in front of them. They were too young for all of this. She didn’t have much of a choice, unfortunately.

“Everybody, sit down!” Clarke called out, twisting herself around as best she could. “Lexa is going to drive us back home okay? Everything will be alright.”

Lexa wasn’t sure about that, but she knew the kids needed to hear their teacher’s reassurances. Lexa could relate.

She’d never driven a bus before, but she figured it couldn’t be so hard. There was a lot of levers sure, plenty of acronyms and tech-y sounding words written on the dash that she didn’t recognize, but there was a steering wheel an accelerator pedal and a brake. She could work those.

“Why are there so many levers?” Lexa muttered to herself.

“Jesus Lexa, you don’t think you could keep that sort of sh- stuff to yourself?” Clarke hissed. “The kids are scared enough as it is.”

“Sorry,” Lexa turned the key in the ignition and breathed a sigh of relief when the engine started after only a few minor complaints. “Okay, brakes, accelerator, steering. Can’t be that hard right? It’s just a straight road.”

“What do you know about straight?” Clarke quipped. Lexa wasn’t sure if she meant to make a joke, her tone of voice sounded angry, but that was definitely a joke.

“Did you just make a gay joke?” Lexa laughed, hoping the tipping of the bus as she tried to pull it out of the ditch wouldn’t eventually topple them over.

Clarke scoffed. “Shut up.”

Lexa couldn’t stop the grin on her face. She _missed_ Clarke. Perhaps more than her sisters. She and Clarke had always understood each other, always been able to communicate without speaking. She was never bored with Clarke around.

Clarke was summer mornings in bed. Hot afternoons spent skinny dipping in the neighbor’s pool while they were away on vacation. Clarke was messy hair in her mouth while she sped down the highway with the windows down. She was blue eyes and long legs and summer freckles. She was stripping in the shade and grass so dry it hurt to go barefoot. Clarke was going barefoot anyway just because that’s what you did in the summer.

And Clarke was scared.

“We’re going to be okay, you know?” Lexa breathed a sigh of relief once they were back on the road. “See? Straight shot from here. I may not be the authority on straight, but I can pretend on a good day.”

The drive was longer than she expected it to be. The bus had been damaged in the crash, so she had trouble getting it to accelerate much faster than thirty miles per hour. It felt like they were standing still.

An hour in, the bus was dead silent. Lexa tried not to glance to the side where she had left the bus driver, but her only other options were the never-ending road stretching out before her or the rearview mirror. She wasn’t sure this much exposure to Clarke could possibly be good for her resolve to leave.

Yet, despite the voice in her head screaming at her to stop, Lexa’s gaze was drawn backwards every few minutes. Looking at Clarke felt like her first drink of water after trudging through a desert. She couldn’t get enough. Years without her, years building up a wall around herself crumbled by just one glance.

And every time she looked back, Clarke was staring right back at her. That unreadable glare that Lexa could never figure out. Lexa hoped she wasn’t as transparent as she felt. She hoped that Clarke couldn’t see the way the weight of the world had lifted off of her shoulders. Arkadia wasn’t home to her, but Clarke felt perilously close and Lexa couldn’t for the life of her tell what Clarke was thinking.

“What are you doing here?” She finally asked, Lexa hoped they were close to Arkadia. She wasn’t ready for this discussion. Especially not in front of thirty third grade students.

“Titus passed away.”

“You missed the funeral by like, a month.”

“I wouldn’t want to go to that funeral.” Lexa grunted. “I was claiming my inheritance. And some other stuff.”

“Other stuff?”

“Clarke, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I do,”

Lexa grit her teeth. “I’ve been putting money away the last few years. It’s not much, but I was going to gift the bank account to Ontari for college. It was probably enough for her first year at a state school or something. Like, I’m talking every cent I made the last five years.”

This time Clarke didn’t meet her eyes in the mirror. “Ontari-“

“Is gone, I know.” Lexa struggled to reign in her tears. “I know.”

“I’m so-“

“Don’t.” Lexa interrupted her. “I’m not stupid enough to think I deserve some sort of apology. She’s dead. Anya made it clear what she thinks of me.”

“You don’t know that she’s dead.” Clarke shook her head. “Anya said-“

“Anya doesn’t know Nia like I do.” Lexa grunted. “A kid like Ontari doesn’t survive Nia. I barely did and I’m an asshole. Good people don’t survive Nia.”

“What are you going to do after this?”

“I don’t know. I made a mistake on the paperwork when opening the bank account. I can put money in, but only Ontari can take it out. Everything I’ve done is pretty much worthless at this point. Surprise.”

The rest of the ride was silent. The kids started up a cheer the moment they passed the Arkadia sign. An older police cruiser pulled out one of the side roads, flashing the lights.

Lexa slowed the bus to a stop and rolled her window down as the police cruiser pulled to a stop next to her. She leaned out, squinting at some guy she knew from school, he’d peaked at sixteen and since then had apparently joined the police force.

“Woods? What’re you doing driving a bus?”

Lexa gestured to the kids cheering behind her. “Bus drove off the side of the road with all these kids on it. Clarke’s injured. Think you can radio out that we need the fire department to cut her out of the seat when we get there? She’s been like that for hours. Kids are all okay.”

The officer blinked up at her. “Yeah, damn, okay. I’ll give you an escort.”

“Bus doesn’t go faster than thirty. It was seriously damaged. Don’t know what I would have done if it didn’t start.” Lexa drawled.

“Alright. Damn, Sheriff Woods will lose her goddamn mind.”

“Welcome to the entirety of my life, minus the sheriff part.” Lexa winked.

The rest of the way into town, what should have been a five-minute drive, was about fifteen minutes of singing children and cheers. Lexa couldn’t keep the smile off of her face. She’d thought for sure not five hours ago that she’d die. But there was a bus full of elementary school students alive and happy because she stepped up.

Perhaps the only good thing she’s ever really done in her life.

There was a crowd of angry people outside the sheriff’s office when she pulled up with her police escort, and immediately her bus was swamped with concerned parents and excited Arkadians. Lexa spotted her older sister pushing through the crowd towards the doors.

And so yeah, she tried at least three different levers before she figured out which one was the doors, but by the time she got them opened, Anya was right there, and it made for a wonderful dramatic reveal. The look on her sister’s face was priceless, and even if there was no one to be proud of her, Lexa was proud enough for the both of them.

“Everyone’s okay.” Lexa huffed as Anya hopped up the steps. Suddenly, she was _tired_. She was so damn tired. “Everyone’s okay.”

Well, everyone but the bus driver and the elderly couple, but the kids were okay, and ultimately that’s what mattered. Lexa fully expected Anya to ignore her and go straight for Clarke, but the moment the sheriff stepped over the body of the bus driver, Lexa was pulled from her seat by the lapels of her shirt. Lexa tripped into the hug Anya pulled her into, but it was a hug nonetheless.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” Anya muttered into her shoulder.

“Me too,” Lexa whispered. “C’mon _sheriff_. Go do your job. You have a mob on your hands I think.”

“For once it’s not because of you.” Anya pinched her side.

Even through the sting of pain, Lexa couldn’t help but to laugh. She was high on finally getting something right and there wasn’t much that could bring her down. It was all uphill from now, she could get some water, maybe a meal. A nap was definitely on the agenda.

And then she glanced over at Clarke. The teacher hugged her students as they filed past to be met with EMT’s and firefighters. They’d be checked over and then handed back to their parents as soon as they were given a clean bill of health. Clarke hadn’t been cut out of her seat yet, but she wasn’t completely uncomfortable, so they evacuated the kids first.

One of the boys that had met Lexa on the road shoved past the arms reaching for him to hug Lexa’s waist tightly. She didn’t quite know what to do about it, but there was no one around to help her out.

“Thanks for helping us.” He looked up at her with his big doe eyes.

“You were very brave today.” Lexa patted his back awkwardly. “You’re the hero here.”

He grinned and took off towards the firefighters. Lexa glanced back at Clarke to find her watching the whole thing. Lexa shifted awkwardly from foot to foot before she finally made a decision.

She strode forward to take a seat next to Clarke. “I uh, I’m glad you’re okay.”

Clarke forward as they sat side by side. “Thank you, for helping us.”

Lexa shrugged. “I couldn’t very well just leave you here.”

Clarke shook her head. They were silent for a few minutes, and then: “Why did you leave?” Clarke whispered. Lexa couldn’t bring herself to look at the girl next to her.

“I would’ve thought you knew.”

“You didn’t fucking tell anybody, Lexa. How the fuck would I know?” Clarke snapped. “You know everyone asked me that at first? They were always asking _me_. It was _humiliating_ to have to tell the world that you just up and left and there was no reason for it.”

Lexa shook her head. “Jake-“

“Jake’s _dead_.” Clarke snarled, her voice cracked. “He’s been dead for three years now. And where were you? Off doing god knows what.”

Lexa’s heartbeat filled her ears. The rush of blood the only thing she could hear as Clarke glared at her from the side. “I- I didn’t know.”

“Of course, you didn’t fucking know, Lexa.” Clarke turned away. “You got to run away and pretend nothing had ever happened. I _needed_ you. I needed you there with me. I lost my dad and you were just _gone_.”

Lexa’s stomach flipped. She couldn’t do this. She needed to run. And yeah, she would be proving Clarke’s point, but she couldn’t be here right now. “I’m sorry.”

It was the first time she had apologized for leaving. She knew no one wanted to hear it, but she _needed_ Clarke to know. She needed her to know she was sorry. She regretted so many things about what had happened, but most of all, she regretted leaving Clarke.

But she also knew exactly how well that apology would be taken. At the first sight of a firefighter with the jaws of life, Lexa was out of the seat and weaving her way through the crowd as far away from that bus as possible.

The sun had set, and she had caught pieces of a rousing speech Anya had delivered to get her town back in order. No one seemed to notice Lexa slip away from the station and down the nearest alley.

As soon as she was out of sight, Lexa heaved everything in her stomach onto the ground.

It wasn’t much, just whatever water she had been given by the fire fighters, a shitty granola bar, and stomach acid. She dry-heaved for what felt like an eternity. All the while, all she could think about was Jake Griffin.

Jake had been the closest thing to a father she had ever had. He called her his daughter-in-law long before she and Clarke had actually started dating. He taught them both the constellations. He’d been the person to bake her cookies when he found out she got straight A’s that one semester in middle school.

Of all of the things Lexa had seen and done, she’d never reacted like this before. She’d never thrown up at just the notion of death. But Jake had been a truly good man, and Lexa couldn’t take it. Knowing Clarke had not only been alone but had been grieving the loss of her father as well, Lexa couldn’t take it. She was weak, she knew that. Clarke had always made her weak. This was all just a reminder to herself how much she had given up, how much she had pushed away.

She spit more bile onto the sidewalk and let out a sob. She couldn’t afford this kind of weakness. Not when she knew she would be leaving soon. She needed to get herself together.

Lexa stood slumped against the wall for several more minutes, shaking with the force of the sobs she couldn’t let out.

Lexa didn’t remember stumbling back to her childhood home. But she did remember screaming into her pillow that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't think this is a regular pattern lmao. Another chapter this week. Not sure I'm a fan of the writing here. I feel like it could have been better, maybe a little choppy, but I'm distracted with essays and finals and rugby tournaments. I've somehow been dubbed the utility player of the team so now I gotta learn like all the positions. Unfortunately I don't really know the rules or anything I just kinda do what I want and hope I don't get a penalty.
> 
> Anyway, it hurts my heart to write about devastated Lexa. But poor kid's gotta develop her character somehow :/


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a week

_It was hot that day, standing underneath the afternoon sun. Lexa glances to her sides as she stands at full attention. She was surprised at the age of most of the people in the line. There was one boy who looked no older than eighteen. His hair was shaved on the sides, leaving a curly mess on the top of his head. Everyone else had to have been all a decade older than Lexa._

_A hulk of a man stood beside her, his long black hair was tied up in a bun at the top of his head and his massive curly beard dripped with sweat. They’d been standing there at least two hours, and Lexa knew she probably looked just as sweaty. He glanced to his side to meet Lexa’s curious eyes._

_“You think they’re coming at any point today?” He grumbled. His voice was a deep baritone, but the look in his eyes was gentler than Lexa expected._

_“I figured it was a mental ploy.”_

_“We’ll get in trouble for talking.”_

_“No worse than that guy over there.” Lexa nodded to one man who’d taken a seat in the dirt._

_Then again, Lexa didn’t really know what to expect. Things had been pretty lax around the boot camp she’d been shipped out to. They didn’t even have uniforms._

_The guy on the ground lounged about in a sweaty wife beater tank and jeans. Lexa didn’t know how he wasn’t sweating to death wearing jeans, but she wasn’t here to judge._

_It was too quick to react, but suddenly there was a woman standing before them. She wore a full uniform, a light camouflage Lexa suspected belonged in the desert. The woman herself was gorgeous, she had light brown skin, just a few shades darker than her uniform, and curly hair pulled back underneath her cap. Her eyes were a golden hazel, and they bored through her very soul._

_The woman glared down at the man on the ground as he hurriedly jumped to his feet._

_“Looks like your asses are dead come our deployment two months from now.” She sneered. “You’ve been out here what? Two hours?” Her voice rose as she paced before them. “Two hours just standing here. That’s it. What the fuck do you think this is? A fucking safari?”_

_She stopped before the man who had been on the ground. “You realize your ass is going to be under fire in conditions worse than this.” She snarled. “Do you realize that in hundred-degree weather you’re going to be carrying your wounded squadmates? I don’t fucking want you under my command if you can’t handle standing in the sun for a few hours!” She was shouting at that point, and Lexa struggled to keep her face neutral. She’d always loved a challenge. “You, go run. You don’t stop until I say you stop. Get going.”_

_Off he went. Lexa didn’t quite pity him, but she certainly didn’t envy him._

_“Do the rest of you think this is some kind of fucking safari?”_

_“No, ma’am.” They called out in unison._

_“What the fuck is all this then? You can’t handle two hours in the sun!” She was livid now and getting ever closer to Lexa. She wasn’t sure what would happen when she came face to face with her, but Lexa was smart enough to know she should dread it._

_And then she was there, directly in front of Lexa, their noses just inches apart. “What’s your name private?”_

_Lexa hoped her hesitation wasn’t noticeable. “Lexa Woods.”_

_“Woods, maybe you can tell me what the fuck we are here.”_

_“Nightblood, ma’am.” Lexa tried to keep her voice even._

_“Oh, look here, someone with a fucking brain cell or two.” She turned to the rest of the group. “Maybe, Woods, if you’d drop the fucking bottle I’d believe you had three.”_

_And there was the shame. Lexa fervently wished for the ground to swallow her up. If she could just sink deep into the dirt nothing would matter anymore._

_“You all are here because you’re fuckups.” She went on. “You’re here because no one wanted you. Fuck, you all are here because you weren’t good enough for the_ army _.”_

_Lexa raised her chin in defiance._

_“This is Nightblood. We don’t work_ for _the government, we work with them. And if they see you losers here looking like absolute assholes, we’ll never get another fucking job again. Don’t fucking kid yourselves. We’re not soldiers, we’re body shields. Make your peace now.” She stopped pacing and took up a stance just a few feet before Lexa._

_“My name is Captain Costia Hunter and I am your god now.” She surveyed the remaining recruits slowly, eyes flitting past Lexa as if she were invisible. “I decide when you sleep, when you eat, what you eat. You will do everything I tell you to. My orders are your fucking scripture.”_

_Their eyes met, and the Captain crossed her arms. “Take a jog. I don’t want to see your faces until you’ve gone five miles.”_

 

 

 

Lexa sat bolt upright with a gasp. It was hot, so fucking hot, and in her haste to kick off her blankets she rolled right off the edge of the bed and onto the floor with a smack. With her face pressed to the slightly cooler hardwood floors, Lexa panted as she desperately tried to calm herself.

It was the stress, it had to be. Lexa was usually better at repressing her memories.

Lexa could hear footsteps approaching her door. “Lexa?” Anya’s voice sounded exhausted, Lexa wouldn’t be surprised if she hadn’t gotten home until a few minutes ago. “Lexa? Are you okay?”

Lexa couldn’t get her voice to work. All she could do was breathe and sweat.

After a few seconds Anya carefully opened the door. When she noticed Lexa on the floor, she sighed and took a step inside. “Why are you on the floor?”

Lexa pushed herself up on her hands and knees, resting her forehead on the floor. “I fell.”

“Talk about it?”

Lexa shook her head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It would break me.”

Anya scoffed. “If there’s one thing I know about you, strisis, it’s that you’re unbreakable.”

Lexa let out a dry sob. “How did he die?” Her voice broke.

“Who?”

“Jake,”

Anya hesitated. “You should ask Clarke that question.”

“She hates me.” Lexa couldn’t move, she couldn’t breathe anymore. This was a new kind of agony that Lexa could never have predicted, could never have prepared for. “I can’t do that to her.”

“Lung cancer.”

“He was so young.”

“He smoked when he was younger.” Anya shrugged. “It was tragic, that was just kind of a given.”

“I hate myself.” Lexa whimpered.

Anya moved closer and finally, after a moment’s hesitation, she took a seat next to Lexa’s huddled figure on the floor. Lexa felt a hand rub softly across her shoulder blades. “You’re more than your mistakes, Lexa.”

“They’re all I can think about. It’s all I’ve done. Make mistakes.” Lexa folded even further on herself. “I destroy everything I touch.”

“So, was today just a fluke or something?” Anya asked. “I shouldn’t tell anybody this, but did you know there was a prison bus making an exchange at the time? One of my officers discovered the empty bus on the side of the road while he was searching for the school bus. The officers and several inmates were dead. If you hadn’t come along… Lexa, those kids -and Clarke- would be dead.” She paused for a moment. “One hell of a fuck up. Feel free to make that kind of mistake over and over.”

Lexa pushed herself up onto her heels, her back to her sister. “Anybody can drive a bus, Anya.”

“Yeah, but no one _did_. You stepped up today.” Anya sighed. “You’ve fucked up before. But Lexa, that isn’t all you are.”

“I’ve done things, Anya.”

“Yeah? Me too.”

“I’ve killed people.”

“I’m a cop. Me too.”

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose. “Is the town going to burn down tonight?”

“Not tonight. Tomorrow’s still a toss-up.”

“What do we do from here?”

Anya shrugged. “We’re going to try and get in touch with anybody outside Arkadia. For now, though, I’ve instated a curfew. If people panic, there’s going to be looting. Pike has been absolutely on my ass. He’s a fearmongering asshole. Wants my job. Kane has been trying to keep him under control, but you know Kane. Absolute doormat.”

“He’s a good diplomat.”

“Sheriff’s office doesn’t need a diplomat. Especially not now. We need someone steadfast who can keep their cool. I don’t know if I can push off elections.” Anya grumbled. “The town might not like that. Pike was having a fucking field day with the school bus thing. You may have saved my job too.”

“Glad to be of service.”

“C’mon kid, I need sleep. I’m running on fumes.”

“Speaking of, nice hickey.” Lexa tried to grin over her shoulder.

“Shut it.”

“Who was it? Please tell me it wasn’t Bellamy. He’s such a gross dude.”

“He’s really not.” Anya rolled her eyes.

“Oh god it was him wasn’t it?”

“No, it wasn’t him.”

“Who?” Lexa whined, shoving Anya’s shoulder.

“You don’t know her.” Anya grunted as she pulled herself to her feet. “I’m getting some sleep. Get some rest. We’ve got a long day tomorrow.”

“We?” Lexa stared up at her sister from the floor.

Anya flicked her ear lobe, grinning at Lexa’s yelp. “If we want any semblance of order, I have to win that election, and that means getting a handle on this situation. It’ll be all hands-on deck. Wear your uniform.”

 

The morning came early, and Lexa hated it, as per usual. She did manage to catch another few hours of sleep, but just after dawn, she was pulled from her sleep by a panicked voice coming from the living room.

“I have to go.”

“Absolutely not.” Lexa could make out Anya’s voice through the door as she blearily struggled to gather the strength to move.

“Fuck you, I have to go.”

“You know that’s a bad idea. You need to stay put.”

“What if they hit Topeka?”

“Then everyone in Manhattan is ash.” Anya spoke tersely, and Lexa had to wince.

“How could you say that?” The unknown girl argued. “Everyone I know is at K-State.”

“Not everyone,”

“Jesus, Anya, you really don’t give a fuck, do you? I have friends outside of the people here.”

“Listen, I’m just saying that you should stay here. You’re safe here. I can’t protect you out there.”

“Then don’t!”

Lexa had finally made it to her feet when the floor rattled with the force of the front door slamming. She stumbled about for a minute or two, moving to the bathroom to brush her teeth, only to realize her toothbrush was still in her pack in her room. Then stumbling back only to realize she’d left her toothpaste and Anya had moved to the master bathroom.

Essentially Lexa wasn’t sure how she was functioning at the moment.

After a few tries she finally managed to get down the steps and towards the kitchen without killing herself. As the smell of coffee hit her nose, Lexa decided she wouldn’t be going for a jog today, she deserved a day off.

Lexa found Anya in the kitchen, huddled over their gas stove with a boiling pot of water and powdered coffee. Lexa held a mug out for her own dose of hot water. “Who was that?” She gasped at the burn of her coffee on her lips. Right, hot liquid tended to burn.

She hated mornings.

“Nobody you know,”

“I know, but I’m asking. You seemed familiar.” Lexa cut her eyes to her sister with a sly smirk. “Protective, even.”

“Not the time, Lexa.”

“Oh, come on,” She whined. “She’s your girlfriend, right?”

“Absolutely not.” Anya snapped, teeth bared in an animalistic snarl.

Lexa raised her free hand in surrender, she refused to lower her coffee mug from her face. Maybe if she kept it close enough, she’d absorb the energy through osmosis or something. “Damn, okay. Friends with benefits. What’s her name?”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Raven. She’s barely a friend. She’s friends with Clarke and Octavia. They went to university together.”

“You should chase after her.” Lexa nodded to the door. “She’s probably feeling alone if she’s not from Arkadia. You shouldn’t let her be alone for too long. It does things to your head. Trust me.” The two were silent as Lexa sipped at her coffee, though Lexa had moved on to debating the pros and cons of trying to insert a coffee IV, Anya gaped at her sister. “What?”

“Just, how would you know anything about her?”

Lexa shrugged. “I don’t know a damn thing about her. But all of my family, and the only people alive that I really care about are all here. I know for a fact everyone I love is okay. But I have some friends and colleagues out there that could be a radioactive shadow burned onto the rubble of a major city, assuming that they didn’t just hit Denver. I can’t imagine how out of my mind with worry I would be had I not been here yesterday.” Lexa finally took a sip of her blessed life force. “Go after her. She needs you.”

Anya didn’t say anything else. In that brisk nature of hers, Anya left the kitchen. When the front door slammed closed, Lexa let out a soft chuckle. Somehow Lexa had always been the emotionally attuned sister, laughable frankly, but Anya never knew how to deal with feelings.

Another sip and Lexa’s mouth was on fire.

 

 

_Pretty green eyes seemed to glitter despite the pitifully dim glow coming from the old porch light. Lexa was still in her softball uniform, she’d had an early game that day, and Clarke absolutely loved those pants on her. They were tight, and Clarke had been sure to show her appreciation throughout the day. Clarke stepped forward ever closer to the other girl, grinning mischievously. “Thanks for walking me home. Noble of you.”_

_Lexa’s smile nearly bowled Clarke over. “It’s all a ploy, I just wanted to spend more time with you.”_

_Clarke tugged her closer by the waist. “We have all summer, nerd.”_

_“It’s all about that immediate gratification, Clarke. What kind of millennial do you take me for?”_

_Clarke laughed. “Thanks for winning this.” She held up the cheap stuffed bear in her hand. “I knew keeping the star pitcher around would come in handy.”_

_“It was rigged. I would have gotten the giant panda if it weren’t for those last two bottles.” Lexa scoffed, a light blush coloring her cheeks beneath the freckles that dusted her cheeks when she spent time in the sun. “Only the best for my girl.”_

_“Your girl huh?”_

_Lexa rolled her eyes. “You’ve always been my girl, prisa.”_

_Clarke nodded. She’d agree. “You could pretend I played coy.”_

_“Where’s the fun in that?”_

_“Whatever, I know you secretly like civics class.” Clarke smirked. “I could tell Octavia, and then everyone would know within the hour.”_

_Lexa leaned in and caught Clarke’s lips in a kiss. It was slow, nervous. Clarke could taste the cotton candy she’d bought and let Lexa steal bits of. They smelled like sweat and grease, an unfortunate side effect of a wonderful day at the local fair. But even then, Clarke loved every second. Lexa had been her best friend for as long as she could remember, but recently they’d been dancing around each other, two planets stuck in each other’s gravity and destined to collide. She’d been afraid that it would be explosive, angry. But Lexa had always been sweet, had always been caring, and with her, Clarke felt invincible._

_“Good night Clarke,” Lexa whispered, her forehead pressed against Clarke’s. “See you tomorrow?”_

_Clarke kissed her again. “You’re playing the Bears, right?”_

_Lexa nodded. “They’re good. Anya punched their team captain last year. It was spectacular.”_

_Clarke laughed. “I remember that. You’re going to kick their asses.”_

_“Good night.” Lexa repeated, she didn’t move an inch._

_“Get out of here.” Clarke nudged her away. Lexa stole one last kiss before she jogged down Clarke’s porch steps and left with a wave. The summer night swallowed her whole and Clarke was left listening to the crickets and the cicadas on her front porch._

_She had to be the happiest person on Earth._

 

Clarke was out of tears. Maybe it was dehydration or a straight refusal to look as miserable in front of the harried nurses as she felt, but either way, she couldn’t cry.

She’d known, she’d _known_ Lexa was in town. She’d expected to run into her at some point, had been dreading it sure, but she was ready.

And then Ralph and Tommy bounded up the bus steps with Lexa in tow.

_God_ how did they manage to find the one person on the whole planet Clarke didn’t want to see? In that way toddlers are always able to find the one piece of lint in the room to stick in their mouths, those kids managed to find the one person to make Clarke lose her cool.

She had been prepared to face Lexa. She’d had a full speech prepared, angry and ranting and she was going to give Lexa a piece of her mind dammit. But then she walked up those steps and those green eyes scanned the entirety of the bus before landing on her.

Lexa looked so different. Her cheekbones were higher, her skin tanned, those eyes. She was tense, she was sure of who she was and what that meant. Clarke didn’t know what to make of it. Lexa had grown up in a way she wasn’t prepared for. She seemed in control, a far cry from five years ago.

She was pissed.

Clarke hated every second of this, because underlying that anger, that devastation, there was still the relief that she was okay, still attraction. Lexa didn’t deserve that.

By the time she managed to limp her way back home, she was exhausted. The house seemed emptier and lonelier than usual and after flicking the light switch a few times, Clarke remembered the catalyst for the day.

Clarke broke down right there in the foyer. Everything around her was falling apart and she had no idea how to handle it. Nothing was the way it was supposed to be, and to add on to her pathetic social life, there was the apocalypse.

The room closed in on her and she couldn’t choke in enough air to breathe. Was this the end of the world? The fall of democracy? The swift extinction of her species at the hands of each other?

Why did life have to be so goddamn awful? She was getting by, she wouldn’t say she was particularly happy, but her life was settling down. She had a job, friends, a hit or miss relationship with her mother, she had been stepping out of her comfort zone in an attempt to move on. It was going pretty well, following the disappearance of the love of her life.

She had five years to get over it, and maybe she didn’t do a fantastic job, but she was a work in progress. She was working on it.

All of that progress thrown out the window.

Clarke sobbed openly on the floor. She curled in on herself, chest heaving with every breath. Absolutely nothing was okay, and it didn’t look like anything would get any better any time soon.

“Damn it,” She choked out to the emptiness of the house. “God damn it!”

 

 

_“See you later Clarke!”_

_Clarke turned to flash a smile and wink back at her coworker, a sweet redhead named Fox, before she pushed open the door of the coffee shop. All at once the hot, arid, summer air rushed in to mix with the crisp air conditioning. The jingling of the bell above the door signaled to Clarke her freedom._

_She’d changed out of her uniform into shorts and a cotton v-neck, thankfully, otherwise she’d be drenched in sweat already. A beat up, rusty truck idled out front and Clarke bounded over, a smile slowly taking over her face._

_“How was work?” Lexa had her hair back in braids and half of her face hidden behind sunglasses. Clarke still couldn’t get over her girlfriend, even years later._

_“Slow,” Clarke leaned across the gear shift to give Lexa a soft kiss. “Free for the weekend though.”_

_“Wow,” Lexa pulled from the curb. “How’d you manage that?”_

_“Begging and pleading. That low-cut shirt you like.”_

_“You went all out, damn. Those poor bastards.”_

_Clarke laughed. “It worked didn’t it?” She leaned forward to fiddle with the radio knob. “Where are we going?”_

_“What part of surprise don’t you understand, woman?” Lexa quipped, leaning back as they pulled onto the highway. “Just enjoy the ride.”_

_Clarke rolled her eyes. “I forgot my sunglasses.”_

_“I have like three of yours in the glove.” Lexa nodded towards the glove compartment._

_“Okay, but why?”_

_“You leave them in my truck all the time.” Lexa tossed a quick smile to her girlfriend before turning back to the road. She slipped a hand across the center console to rest on Clarke’s thigh as she dug around to find the pair she wanted._

_“Just give me a hint.”_

_“It’ll be someplace warm.”_

_Clarke groaned. “It’s Kansas in July, everywhere’s hot.”_

_“You didn’t say it had to be a good hint.”_

_“Whatever, nerd.”_

_The silence that followed was comfortable, anything they wanted to say would have been drowned out by the rush of wind through the open windows anyway, but that didn’t stop them from exchanging soft touches and coy smiles. Clarke settled in for a long drive as they passed road sign after road sign._

_A beautiful day, a beautiful girl, Clarke had not a single problem in the world._

_Clarke was beginning to doze, her fingers entangled in Lexa’s propped on her thigh when Lexa steered the truck towards an exit. “Wilson Lake?”_

_Lexa grinned. “Kinda landlocked, but I wanted to go to the beach.”_

_“I didn’t bring a swimsuit.”_

_“You mean you’re against skinny-dipping with me?” Lexa gasped in mock offense._

_Clarke rolled her eyes. “Not in a lake! It’s not sanitary.”_

_Lexa laughed. “Clarke, with that two piece you’d be wearing, you’re not keeping anything out.” Lexa glanced over. “Or in for that matter.”_

_“You’re the worst.”_

_“You love me.”_

_“I do, but you’re still the worst.”_

_When Lexa finally found a spot to park her truck they hopped out, stretching their legs after the long drive. “One of these days we should rent a jet ski out here, it’d be fun.” Lexa sidled up beside Clarke. She leaned against the truck hood and pulled Clarke towards her._

_“It would, no time though.”_

_Lexa heaved a sigh, her smile falling just a bit before it returned again. “How are classes going?”_

_Clarke leaned her head back to rest on Lexa’s shoulder. “Okay, I guess. I’m lonely up there.”_

_Lexa hummed. “No interesting clubs?”_

_“I’m in a drawing club. I was thinking about starting up a comic strip with one of the guys there, but he’s a better sculptor.” Clarke shrugged. “I miss you.”_

_Lexa dropped a kiss on her shoulder. “I miss you too.”_

_“Move in with me?” Clarke turned, batting her eyelashes up at her girlfriend. That always worked._

_“What?”_

_“I was thinking about getting an apartment, I was going to ask around for roommates. But like, the obvious option is right here.” Clarke placed a quick kiss to Lexa’s cheek. She knew how to get what she wanted._

_“I- yeah. Okay, yeah.” Lexa nodded, blinking rapidly. “Sudden, but yeah.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_Clarke grinned. “You’re flustered.”_

_“Shut up,” Lexa grumped, blushing beneath her sunglasses. “I’ve got some shit to work out with Nia, and then we can look for apartments yeah?”_

_“You’re not out of there yet?” Clarke frowned._

_Lexa shrugged. “She threatened to go after Anya and Ontari. I have to play my cards right.”_

_“I’m worried about you.” Clarke tucked a few strands of hair back behind Lexa’s ear. “She nearly got you killed last week.”_

_Lexa leaned in for a kiss. “I know. I’m getting out. It’s complicated.”_

_“What’s your plan?”_

_Lexa grinned. “Don’t trust me?”_

_“Lex,”_

_“I settle my debts. I’m getting it worked out. Worst case scenario I go to Roan.”_

_“What can Roan do?”_

_“I don’t know,” Lexa looked off to the distance. “I have some ideas, but they’re all… violent. If that happens… You get out okay? Transfer schools, get out of here.” Lexa looked back to her. She lifted her sunglasses and Clarke could see the earnestness in her eyes. “I can handle myself and my sisters. But you? I can’t take the chance, you have to get out.”_

_Clarke nodded. “Everything’s going to be okay.”_

_“I love you, Clarke.” Lexa murmured, pulling her back in for another kiss._

_“Love you too, Lex.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So once again, don't get comfortable with such a turnaround (and wordy at that damn). Anyway! It's been one hell of a week! We lost every game at the tournament because we were playing five players short the whole time (i refuse to believe it's cuz we kinda suck, but that could be a factor lmao) and I took a cleat to the eye! :) Had to get five stitches and sit out the rest of the last game. except there was no one on our side to do touch judge except for our coach, and since I hurt my face and not either of my legs, that got pushed off to me. I HATE TOUCH JUDGING in case anyone was curious, it's the worst job, you do like, all of the running minus the fun of actually playing rugby. Anyway, I got my stitches out Wednesday, and i have like, three essays due in the next four days. We'll see if I can update again next week. (comments and kudos usually keep my mind on any given piece, so like, if I'm thinking about it I might update js) jk do what you want this fic isn't leaving me alone.
> 
> Anyway, some Lexa and Clarke backstory yeah? Ngl I'm really ready to delve into all sorts of shit with Lexa. She and Raven are gonna have an interesting meeting that's for sure.  
> Oh btw, since i'm suddenly remembering how absolutely fucking shitty Clarke's friends were in canon, can I just say that I'm not down with it? Like christ yall Clarke could not catch a break. And yeah, she had a habit of like, mass murder but it was always justified... I think? Can that kind of thing be justified? IDK Clarke deserves so much better.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like, I told yall not to get used to quick updates lol. Translations at the bottom

Clarke woke up on the floor of her foyer. She hadn’t intended to fall asleep with her face only inches from a pile of her shoes on the entrance mat, but she was a wreck last night, and sometimes that’s just how life is.

Technically, she should be at work right now, but she highly doubted that school wasn’t cancelled following the beginning of the nuclear apocalypse. So, she took her time picking herself up off the ground.

Clarke needed coffee and her friends, in that order. Doing her best to keep her mind entirely devoid of bus driving brunettes from her past, she mechanically pulled clothes on over her body. She didn’t bother to match them, nor did she care that there was a suspicious stain on the right thigh of her jeans, she just needed to be somewhere else.

Clarke limped about as fast as she could. The boot on her leg weighed her down, and sure, her foot hurt. A lot, actually. But she needed to be among people she loved and who she knew loved her, and she needed it _now._

She had to pray she wouldn’t run into Lexa on her way to the Blakes’ farmhouse on the edge of town. Bellamy and Octavia would be there, and Raven was staying with them while she surveyed their land for her thesis. All of her favorite people in one place.

The morning was quiet. The sun hadn’t climbed high enough in the sky to beat down particularly harshly. Clarke didn’t see a soul on her way through town. She supposed everyone was hidden away, clutching their families tight and cowering from the dangers of the world. She wanted to do the same.

A little bit further down the road from the general town parking lot, over a bridge, a right at the stop sign, and Clarke was limping up the long driveway to the Blake farmhouse.

Clarke didn’t bother to knock. She’s been an honorary Blake all her life, she’d never needed to knock.

Octavia sat at the dining room table, sipping on her coffee. She looked as if she hadn’t slept a wink all night, and Clarke could relate. Dark circles ringed her eyes and her jaw jumped with the force of her clenched teeth. When she looked up, she set her mug down and launched towards Clarke.

“I can’t fucking believe you.” Octavia growled tightening her hold around Clarke’s neck. “You scared the shit out of us.”

“I know.” Clarke murmured. “I know, but I’m okay now.”

“She didn’t say anything to you, did she?” Octavia released her and stepped back, leveling Clarke with a harsh glare.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to talk about her today. I’m tired and I need to be around family. Where’s Bell and Raven?”

“Bell went to the town hall.” Octavia shrugged. “Anya said to meet this morning so that we can all get more organized. Raven… I don’t know, she said she needed to check on something. I think she wants to head out towards K-state. Probably after Finn.”

“That’s a bad idea.”

“That’s what I said. Maybe Anya will talk her down.” Octavia backed away to fall listlessly into a chair. “I bet she went straight to her. Those two have been dancing around each other for months.”

Clarke snorted. She wandered towards the table and planted herself across from Octavia. “So it’s just you and me in our misery?”

Octavia gave her a wry smile over the rim of her mug. “Yeah,” She set her mug down. “How have you been holding up, you know, what with the apocalypse and all.”

“Not well.” Clarke shrugged. “Spent the night on the floor of my foyer.”

“ _Jesus_ Clarke. Why?”

“I… had a break down.” She tried to sound aloof. It didn’t quite work out.

Octavia shook her head. “I told Bellamy you shouldn’t have been left alone last night. You just survived a traumatic ordeal. Not to mention _Lexa_.”

“You just have to bring up Lexa every goddamn time, don’t you?”

“Why is everyone fucking pretending like it isn’t the end of the world and Lexa didn’t shatter all of our lives?” Octavia threw her hands up.

“We don’t know if Denver wasn’t just an accident and she didn’t ruin _your_ life.” Clarke snapped.

Octavia scoffed. “Look-“

Their brewing fight came to an abrupt halt at the pounding on the front door. “I’ll get it.” Clarke grumbled, not missing her chance to send a furious glance Octavia’s way.

Clarke yanked open the door, leveling her glare to the two men on the other side. “Can I help you?” She paused, both of these men were sweaty, a little dirty. But they wore the deputy uniforms of the Jericho sheriff’s office, and Clarke was pretty sure Anya would physically harm her if she caused her officers trouble. “Uh, officers?”

Neither of them smiled. “We couldn’t help but to notice the gas pump over there.” One of them drawled out, his accent slow, thick, and deliberate. “Our cruiser’s low on fuel and we’re really needing to be back. Society needs order.” He was tall, burly. Cropped blonde hair and narrowed blue eyes, he glared down at her in a silent challenge.

Clarke waited a beat. “Uh, well I don’t actually live here- uh. Hey Octavia?” She turned to glance to the other girl. “These uh, officers are asking for a fuel up.”

Octavia furrowed her brow. “They can’t make it all the way to town?”

Clarke shrugged. “We really don’t mean to be a problem.” The other one spoke, his accent matching his partner. He had shaggy, dirty brown hair. “It’s just, we need a fill up and y’all seem nice enough.”

Octavia glanced over their forms. “Bellamy has the key to the pumps.” She shrugged.

“Great! We can wait here then.” The blonde grinned, though the warmth didn’t reach his eyes. Clarke hesitated just long enough to glance down and notice the guns sitting prominently in their holsters, and let the two men inside.

“I’m Clarke, and this is Octavia.” Clarke introduced them awkwardly.

The brunette seemed to be better at conversation, he grinned. “My name is Jay, and this is Brent. Our apologies for the intrusion.”

“It’s no problem.” Clarke shifted, gesturing to the dining room table. “We have coffee, it’s just Folgers, nothing special but it’s something. I get the feeling coffee is going to be difficult to get a hold of pretty soon.” She rambled, nerves itching under her skin. Something wasn’t right. Maybe it was the apocalypse.

“How about breakfast?” Brent grunted, leaning his elbows on the table as Jay wandered into the kitchen.

“This is a farm, right? I want eggs!” Jay yanked open the fridge door.

Octavia’s lip began to curl, and Clarke knew she needed to step in or they were going to be in trouble. “Yeah,” Clarke sent Octavia a glare. “Let’s make some eggs.”

Octavia stood with a huff, following Clarke into the kitchen with Jay. Brent stayed at the table, watching the two girls closely. Clarke shifted in her spot as she moved about the kitchen as if it were her own.

“So, you two must be new to town. I don’t recognize you.” Clarke chattered, as she gathered pans for the eggs and bacon and Octavia lit the wood stove.

Jay and Brent exchanged looks. With a grin, he turned back and nodded. “Yeah, we were transferred over to Arkadia from Polis.”

Clarke brushed the inside of Octavia’s wrist, squeezing slightly. Hopefully, Octavia got the hint. “Right! I remember Anya mentioning something about a couple of new guys coming in from Polis.”

“Yeah,” Jay smirked. “Anya’s pretty nice.”

Octavia snorted. “I’ve never heard anyone call Anya nice.”

Jay’s smile fell. “I don’t know, the sheriff seems to like her.”

Clarke struggled to reign in her reactions. Two officer transfers and they don’t know who the sheriff is? Octavia, thankfully, managed to control herself as well, and went through the motions of cooking breakfast under the watchful gaze of the two officers.

 

 

_The leaves were just beginning to turn and shake in the breeze. Birds disappeared south, and children spent their days raking up leaves and crashing into the piles. Peals of laughter echoed up and down the streets until the streetlights flickered on and kids were shuffled off to their homes in time for dinner._

_Lexa was no exception to the rule, though she knew she’d get a lecture from Titus when she showed up filthy with torn leaves sprinkled through her braids. She juggled a soccer ball in her front yard, Anya reading a book with her characteristic scowl on her face. “Onya?” Lexa called out, popping the ball up into the air and bouncing it back and forth between her feet in the air. “Hakom em skai ste ouska?”_

_Anya grunted._

_Lexa kicked the ball upwards and sent it flying away with her forehead. “Onya? Ai ticha tel osir op yujleda ste nulif kos gon klorofil. Em laik ridiyo?”_

_Anya looked up from her book long enough to glare at Lexa._

_“Onya, miya plei kom ai.”_

_“Shof op, Lexa.” Anya rolled her eyes. “I’m reading. Go find someone else to bother.”_

_Lexa glanced around, and found a blonde girl sitting on a curb, nose inches from a piece of paper, a pencil clutched tightly in her fist. Lexa picked up her soccer ball and wandered over, taking a seat next to her. “Hey, my name’s Lexa.”_

_The girl looked up and smiled shyly. “Clarke. Nice to meet you.”_

_“Do you play, uh, soka?”_

_“Soccer?” Clarke asked, smile growing at the other girl’s confusion. “Not really. What language were you speaking? Over there with your sister?”_

_Lexa scratched shyly at the back of her neck. “Trigedasleng. Our parents were Trikru. We spoke it mostly back home, not as much English unless we were in class. I’d play with my dad and Anya, but we never spoke in English when we played. I keep forgetting.” Lexa laughed nervously._

_Clarke shrugged. “It sounds cool. Will you teach me?”_

_Lexa grinned. “Only if you play soccer with me.”_

_“You mean soka?” Clarke giggled._

_“You learn fast.”_

 

 

 

Lexa wandered into the sheriff’s office not long after Anya arrived, far before anyone else got in. A grumpy woman sat sullenly in the corner, glaring at Anya intermittently. Lexa had a feeling that she knew who that was, but she wasn’t going to make any assumptions.

“Sheriff! Sheriff thank fuck!” A voice called from the back cell. Lexa leaned slightly around the corner to glance back, surprised to see a skinny teenager clutching at the bars of the jail cell. “Sheriff!”

Anya fished her keys from her pocket. “Calm down, Aden.”

“Did you or did you not leave me locked in here during the fucking nuclear apocalypse?” Aden shrieked.

Lexa raised her eyebrows, she kind of liked this kid. “Damn, harsh, Sheriff.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Anya shoved Lexa to the side. “I’m letting you out, but you’re on probation, kid.”

“Probation.”

“Probation.” Anya smirked. “I can’t have you running around causing trouble while I’m trying to keep this town together. So, you’re going to be under supervision.”

“Word? By who?”

Anya gestured to Lexa behind her. “This is Lexa. Recent hero of Arkadia. She’s going to keep an eye on you, and you’re going to help out with whatever she tells you to.”

“Anya, I’m not a babysitter.” Lexa grumbled.

“Now you are.” Anya shrugged. “Aden here is a trouble maker, just like you were. I think you two will get along nicely. Besides, I need to keep him in line, and I need every officer on hand today. Stick around for the town hall, but after that you’re in charge of Aden.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “I really could do without this, Anya.”

“And I really can’t have Aden wandering around causing trouble. Town hall in half an hour. I need you and Aden to go down to the clinic and chat with Jackson about what he needs. I’m going to send a couple of my guys around asking for volunteers, we need to beef up security around here, can’t have Arkadia panicking.” Anya muttered, mostly to Lexa, though she fumbled with her keys in the padlock of the cell. “But I need you back here in half an hour got it? Bring the brat.”

Aden scoffed, but nevertheless slinked off. “Fuck you, Sheriff.”

“Hey,” Lexa flicked his earlobe with a deep, resounding thwack. “Don’t talk to her like that.”

“Ow!”

 

 

_Middle school was a bad time._

_Clarke and Lexa were best friends of course, but that didn’t mean everything was perfect. For one, everyone was so unnecessarily_ mean _. Not to mention, everyone seemed to be so damn interested in boys._

_Bellamy Blake was the hot commodity of Akradia Junior High. Fourteen and already six feet tall, Bellamy was bound to be the football star. He was fixing up his dad’s Ford, he was growing stubble on his chin, he was dark and brooding and handsome._

_Lexa didn’t see it. He’d always had a huge crush on Anya, and therefore spent plenty of his time either on his family’s farm or embarrassing himself in her living room. But that didn’t mean she missed the way Clarke would blush and smile when he was around._

_Lexa liked Bellamy, she did. He was a cool dude, and he felt a lot like an older brother, but he was testing her patience._

_It didn’t help that he had some shitty friends. Anya was the scary one, she put people in line, but she couldn’t always be around to protect Lexa. And even when she was, Lexa knew she would only step in if Lexa couldn’t handle it. She was of the mind that Lexa needed to learn how to fight for herself, and frankly, Lexa appreciated it._

_But when Lexa was alone, or just with Clarke, that didn’t stop Murphy and his gang of idiots._

_John Murphy blew sunshine right up Bellamy’s ass, but to everyone else, he was just a dick._

_“Hey, prisa. You coming over today? I have an art project I need help on.” Lexa grinned, leaning against the locker next to Clarke’s._

_“You mean, you have an art project you want me to do for you.”_

_“You like art though!”_

_Clarke rolled her eyes, smiling at her friend. “You’re lucky I just want to put ‘bilingual’ on my college apps. You’re going to have to convince me a little better than that.”_

_“Yu ste bos.” Lexa laughed._

_“I didn’t say yes.”_

_“Beja, prisa. Sis ai au?”_

_“Hey,” Murphy pranced across the hallway from where he stood at his own locker. “This is America you know. Speak English or go back to your own country.”_

_Clarke glared. “Fuck off, Murphy. It’s a free country.”_

_“Yeah? You know I hear we have a terrorist problem-“_

_“Who told you that? Your racist grandma?” Clarke snarked back._

_“Leave her out of this!”_

_“Lexa belongs here same as us, so fuck off, Murphy.”_

_Murphy shoved Clarke away, and before Lexa could stop to think, Murphy’s nose was bloody, her hand hurt, and there was a teacher dragging her away towards the principal’s office._

 

 

 

Clarke’s heart pounded in her chest. These two men were not police officers.

Clarke sipped at her coffee mostly to keep her mouth busy so that she wouldn’t start anything. The last thing she needed to do was to alert these men to what she knew. They were armed, and for all Clarke knew, they were dangerous.

Who was she kidding? They had police uniforms and a cruiser, they had to get them from somewhere. Clarke had glanced out the window and knew the cruiser was from Arkadia’s police department; they may have killed two men that she knew. She needed to get out of this situation immediately, and she needed to notify Anya.

“So, when is your husband supposed to be back?” Brent grunted in Octavia’s general direction as he shoveled eggs into his mouth.

Octavia had to unclench her jaw to answer, and Clarke could practically hear her molars sigh in relief. “He’s my brother. And I don’t know. He may stop off to take care of the livestock before he heads home from the town hall.”

The two men exchanged a look and Clarke shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “It may be a couple of hours.”

Clarke could tell they were having some sort of silent conversation between the two of them, and the curdling in her gut told her that it wouldn’t spell anything good for her and Octavia.

“That’s fine, we’ll just wait then.”

Brent reached across the table for another serving of eggs, and Clarke glanced down at his wrist. There was a spot, a brown stain on the edge of his sleeve that looked suspiciously like blood. Clarke glanced back up to find his blue eyes trained on hers, and mustering her best poker face, she took another sip from her coffee, hoping to mask the shaking of her hands.

 

 

_“You know my interviewer asked me what Trigedasleng is?” Clarke giggled into bare skin._

_“Jok, really?”_

_Clarke nodded, pressing her face into the back of Lexa’s neck. “They didn’t think it was a real language. I had to pull up a Wikipedia page.”_

_Lexa’s laughter rumbled. “That’s… honestly really sad.”_

_“I thought so too.”_

_Lexa turned over to pull Clarke closer to her chest. “Other than that, how did it go?”_

_“I don’t know.” Clarke shrugged, nuzzling beneath Lexa’s chin. “She did this thing where she’d purse her lips, and it looked like she was judging me. Hard.”_

_“Isn’t that what an interviewer does?”_

_“Shof op.”_

_“I think you did fine. You’re fantastic. She’d have to be stupid not to see it.” Lexa pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Ai hod yu in, niron.”_

_“I love you, too.”_

 

 

 

“Jackson!” Lexa called out as she wove her way through the hallway full of scurrying nurses and nervous patients. “Jackson!”

The harried doctor barely spared a glance to Lexa as he sped to his next patient. “Lexa Woods, it’s been a while.”

“Yeah, what’s up. Look, Anya sent me over-“

“Who’s the kid?”

“My charge, dammit Jackson just let me finish a sentence.”

Jackson ran a hand down his stubbled cheek. “Yeah, sorry. It’s been a long twenty-four hours. Everyone’s worried about the power and their loved ones who rely on the machines to survive.”

“Yeah? How long have you got on this generator?”

“We can last probably around three to four days.” Jackson muttered quietly. “We’re going to need fuel to keep it running indefinitely, and it’s an old generator. Not made for long term use. It’ll probably start breaking down in three weeks, maybe less.”

“Shit, okay. What about medicine?”

Jackson shrugged. “We’re not a fully equipped hospital. We barely have an emergency room let alone surgery materials. The drugs we have are what we can get from the pharmacies in town and whatever non-emergency materials we have. But there’s only two and they’re not going to have things like morphine.”

“You need morphine?”

“Look, Lexa.” Jackson halted in the hallway and dragged her by the elbow to the side. “This is going to get considerably worse. Radiation poisoning cases are going to start popping up, especially after the fallout, and there’s going to be nothing we can do to save them. It’ll be a matter of making them comfortable for when they die.”

“Fallout…” Lexa muttered, glancing to Aden as the blood drained from his face. “Jackson does the clinic have a bunker?”

“Yeah, but it’s old.” Jackson shrugged.

“Take me to it.”

Lexa and Aden waited respectfully outside of the room while Jackson consulted with the patient he was on his way to see before they showed up, and Lexa eyed the kid leaning on the wall beside her.

He was tall and gangly, a skinny little thing with a mop of sandy blonde hair that fell into his eyes. He had narrowed brown eyes and freckles dusting every stretch of visible skin. His clothes were rumpled and a little smelly, and they looked to be several sizes too big for him.

He didn’t look much older than Ontari would be, but he was gaunt, and his cheeks hollow in a way that unsettled Lexa. He had a little scar that bisected his left eyebrow and his eyes never settled on any one place for long. Lexa wasn’t sure what to make of him, but she could tell there was more to him than he let on.

“So where are your parents?” Lexa nodded to Aden.

“Why do you want to know?”

Lexa shrugged. “Just making polite conversation.”

Aden grunted. “Atlanta.”

“Atlanta. And they left you here?”

Lexa received a heated glare in return, but it really didn’t intimidate her. She grew up with Anya, there wasn’t much that a skinny kid could do to stop her in her tracks. “Yeah,” Aden mumbled. “They didn’t want me around, so they left me here. Happens from time to time.”

“And so, you’re living alone? Where at?”

“The trailer park.”

Lexa watched him carefully for a few seconds. “Any possibility your parents tried to get a hold of you last night?”

Aden shrugged. “I don’t know. They might have called, but I left my cell phone at home.”

“We’ll swing by after this to grab it and you can check.”

“Thanks,” Aden didn’t seem to be in much of a hurry.

“I was wondering,” Lexa muttered, leaning closer to the younger boy. “You know where Dr. Griffin is at? She and I don’t exactly get along. I don’t want to run into her.”

Aden shook his head. “I think I know who you’re talking about, but I haven’t seen her in a couple years. Probably left for another hospital or something.”

Lexa frowned. “Okay.”

“Why? Who’s she?”

“Nobody important.”

“Ex-girlfriend or something?”

“Ex-girlfriend’s mother.”

Aden winced. “Yeah, that’s not pleasant. I know how it is.”

“I’m sure you do.” Lexa rolled her eyes. She opened her mouth to say something snarky back, but Jackson stepped from his patient’s room into the hallway and gestured for them to follow.

“What do you know of the fallout?” Lexa asked Jackson as they wove through the busy halls.

“Well, essentially it’s the settling of the radioactive materials launched into the air by a nuclear blast. Which areas most affected depends on proximity and wind patterns.” Jackson shrugged. “I’m not exactly an expert. But the bunker was installed back during the cold war, since then, it’s been pretty much ignored.”

Jackson fished a pair of keys from his pocket and fumbled with the lock to the door. “So here it is. We’ve been using it mostly as storage.”

Lexa meandered in. “It needs some serious work.” Lexa glanced around. “I’m going to get some guys in here to clear out the equipment. How’s the air filtration system? The power?”

“Old, probably broken down. I’ve got patients, Lexa. You figure out what it needs and tell me what I need to do.”

“Aden, go over there and flip some switches, let’s figure out what’s working and what’s not.”

 

 

_“Your mom hates me.” Lexa whined as Clarke ran her fingers through Lexa’s loose curls. “She can’t stand me.”_

_“That’s not true. My dad loves you.” Clarke offered, smiling down at Lexa’s head in her lap._

_“Jake loves me, full stop what’s not to love. But your mom? She hates me.”_

_“She does not.”_

_“Fine, but when this dinner goes badly, you can’t blame me.”_

_Clarke rolled her eyes. “You’ll be fine, they already know you.”_

_“Yeah, ‘Clarke’s best friend’ but that’s different from your girlfriend.”_

_“I really don’t know why you’re wigging out about this.” Clarke laughed. “It’s cute.”_

_That evening, Lexa sat down for dinner with Clarke’s parents. It was far from the first time she’d ever sat directly across from Jake Griffin while they ate, and it hopefully wouldn’t be the last. “So, Lexa,” Abby began, sawing perhaps a touch too aggressively into her steak._

_Lexa tried not to fidget. “Dr. Griffin,”_

_“Have you thought about your college plans?”_

_“Mom, we’ve been over this-“_

_“I won’t be going to college.” Lexa smiled politely._

_“Why not?”_

_“That’s really not your business-“_

_Lexa shrugged, focusing back down on her food. “I don’t have the money for it. Besides, Anya can’t take care of my sister on her own, and I wouldn’t even know what to study in the first place.”_

_“College isn’t for everybody.” Jake smiled encouragingly. “You can learn a trade. Titus’ ranch could probably use the extra hands too, I’m sure. Doesn’t reflect badly on you.”_

_Lexa caught Clarke’s eye and struggled not to blush at the wink she received from her girlfriend. “Thanks, Jake.”_

_“Of course, you’ll have a much more lucrative career if you go to college.” Abby shot back._

_“Mom!”_

_“Ai don tel yu op bilaik em fleim ai klin.” Lexa muttered._

_Clarke glared at Lexa, and she steadfastly turned back to her food. “English at the table.” Abby snapped._

_“Abby-“ Jake began reproachfully._

_“Mom she didn’t say anything bad, she was making a joke about something we were talking about earlier today.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “You could be nicer you know.”_

_“No, I’m sorry. It’s rude.” Lexa was sure to make eye contact with Abby. “How has work been lately? It’s been a while since we last spoke.”_

_Abby pursed her lips. “It’s been going well. Forgive me if I don’t go into detail, doctor-patient confidentiality.”_

_An awkward silence fell over the table as they ate. Lexa cringed internally. This was not how tonight was supposed to go. She was supposed to be the charming girlfriend; Clarke’s parents were supposed to love her._

_“How’s Ontari?” Jake finally broke the silence. “She’s going into the third grade, right?”_

_Lexa grinned. “Yeah, she’s doing good. She wants to play soccer, but I’m not sure we can get her in a club.”_

_“That’s too bad.”_

_Lexa shrugged. “Anya and I played softball instead, I’m sure we can convert her pretty easily.”_

_Jake’s smile was warm. Lexa always liked him, he reminded her of Clarke, and she couldn’t help but to love anyone who reminded her of her favorite person._

Octavia washed the dishes, and Brent dried. Clarke could only pray that Octavia wouldn’t do anything stupid or impulsive while she figured out how to get them out of this situation.

She needed a plan and she needed a weapon. She may not use it, but she would feel safer knowing she wasn’t entirely defenseless against the two men in her friend’s kitchen.

Jay sat with her at the table, most likely to keep an eye on her. Clarke let her eyes wander the room slowly, pretending to zone out. Her gaze caught on the antique gun Bellamy kept on the fireplace mantle. She remembered him cleaning it regularly, explaining to her that it was still functional, but he couldn’t find the right size bullet casings for it. That would have to do. There was a high chance it wouldn’t even fire, but if there’s one thing Clarke has learned today, it’s that one doesn’t always need to fire a gun to get what they wanted.

But she couldn’t get the gun from the mantle without alerting them with Jay staring right at her. “More coffee?” She asked politely.

“Sure!”

“Let me grab a fresh pot.”

Clarke was quick about it, this was her one chance, and she couldn’t afford to screw it up.

“Here you go.” She gave her best I-used-to-be-a-waitress smile as she poured the mug Jay held out for her.

Now, Clarke wouldn’t say she was a conceited woman, but she had assets. Those assets very well got her rent money every month in college. Clarke knew how to work her assets, knew how to get someone to like her. A lot of that experience came from experimenting on her poor, defenseless girlfriend, but if there’s one thing Clarke knew she could do, it was leave a man shell-shocked and distracted.

With her perfect customer service smile, one hand supporting her weight on the table and the rest of her body leaning just enough over the table to give her target a five-star view, Clarke made eye contact with Jay. Quick batting of her eyelashes, and she could see Jay’s eyes glaze over.

All it took was a small shift, and Jay was howling in pain.

“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry!” Clarke yelped. It was a risk. If she pissed him off, it could mean violence, but if she could play it off… “I’m so stupid! I’m so sorry I must have-“

“It’s fine!” Jay snapped, glaring at her.

“Go run that under some cold water, I’ll clean this up out here.” Jay gave her a second glance but didn’t seem to deem her a threat.

When he returned, he didn’t notice the missing antique.

 

 

_Clarke sighed as she straddled Lexa’s lap. She was home. Lexa didn’t break her gaze, simply moved her book slightly to the side to accommodate her girlfriend. Clarke tucked herself tightly against Lexa’s chest, burying her face in the crook of her neck. Lexa only hummed and pressed an absent-minded kiss to Clarke’s temple._

_They were comfortable like that for what felt like hours. Clarke felt herself relax in Lexa’s arms, and Lexa seemed content to hold her._

_Eventually, Clarke drifted to sleep right there in Lexa’s lap, her arms wound tightly around her neck. “Niron,” Lexa whispered, running a hand down Clarke’s back. “Clarke, hodnes.”_

_Clarke tightened her grip, not quite ready to resurface. “What time is it?”_

_“Nearly seven.”_

_Clarke hummed, unabashedly taking in Lexa’s scent. Lexa liked the cherry blossom shampoos, Clarke could only associate that smell with Lexa, with home._

_“Feeling better?”_

_Clarke nodded slightly. “I wish you were there with me.”_

_“I take that it didn’t go well?”_

_“You knew it wouldn’t just as much as I did.”_

_“You didn’t want me there.”_

_“It was for the best.”_

_“For real, Clarke. What happened?”_

_Clarke sat back to face her girlfriend. “There was yelling. She said I’ll never be successful, that I’d end up on the streets.” Clarke bit her lip, avoiding Lexa’s eyes. “She said that you were dragging me down with you.”_

_Lexa stiffened. “Clarke-“_

_“No,” Clarke shook her head, tears springing to her eyes. “No, don’t say that. You know it’s not true.”_

_“What if it is?”_

_“What?”_

_Lexa shrugged, she leaned back to look at the ceiling, anything to avoid looking at Clarke. “Clarke, I’m involved in the most dangerous gang for miles, maybe even in the entire region. I barely have an exit plan, and even once I do get out, I don’t have a plan for a job or anything.” Lexa brought her gaze back down to Clarke. “What if I am bringing you down?”_

_“You’re not.”_

_“Clarke-“_

_“I’m going to marry you, you know.” Clarke blurted out._

_Lexa choked out a laugh. “That was my line.”_

_“Too slow.” Clarke shrugged. “I mean it. I’m in love with you, and I’m going to marry you one day.”_

_Lexa nodded, a sad smile dancing across her lips. “I love you too, hodnes. I want to marry you too, Clarke. It’s just, I don’t know what my future holds. I’ve made bad decisions and I need to face those consequences. I can’t let you fall with me.”_

_“You need to get out of there. I mean it.” Clarke pressed. “I’m not kidding around Lexa. We have our futures ahead of us. I need you.”_

_Lexa heaved a sigh. “I’m going to talk to Roan tomorrow. Tomorrow, okay? All or nothing.” Lexa smiled up at Clarke. “I’ll get a job. Save up for a ring.” She winked. “Two-point-five kids and a dog. White picket fence. The works. Only the best for my girl.”_

 

“Damn kid, you really ought to clean your room.” Lexa smirked. Aden cursed as he stumbled about searching through the piles of dirty clothes on the floor of his room.

“Shut up.”

“Just saying.”

“Here it is!” Aden straightened, clutching a scratched-up cellphone in his hand. “Low battery but I have a voicemail from my mom.”

Aden tapped the screen a few times and held the phone to his ear.

Lexa wandered around the tiny room, browsing the pictures on the wall. As it turned out, Aden was an artist, and quite a good one. Where Clarke’s talent lied in portraits, Aden drew cartoons, and they were good.

Lexa turned to gesture to one cartoon with hilariously large, well, it didn’t matter, Lexa just wanted to tease the kid. But instead, Aden was pale faced and shaking, staring at his phone. “What is it?”

“I-“ Aden’s voice shook. In lieu of answering, he handed the phone to Lexa.

“ _Hi Aden, we decided to stay an extra couple of days-_

_Come back to bed!_

_Hold on, he’s my son, I should at least tell him where we are-_

_He’s probably holed up in that jail cell._

_What’s that? Oh my god, oh my god!”_ There was a deafening roar and the sound of shattering glass, and the line cut dead.

“They’re-“ Aden pressed a hand to his mouth. “They’re dead.”

“Where were they?” Lexa whispered.

“Atlanta.”

“Jesus, kid.” Lexa didn’t quite know what to say. She’d been much younger when she had lost her parents, and even then, she hadn’t witnessed it, or the close approximation Aden had when listening to their last words. That didn’t even unpack the telling first few sentences and the gruff male voice dismissing him.

“I don’t-“ Aden sat suddenly on the bed, as if his long legs gave out from beneath him.

“Hey,” Lexa sat beside him, throwing an arm around his shoulders. “I know.”

Aden didn’t cry. Lexa wasn’t sure why. She bawled like an infant when she was orphaned, and so did her sister, but to be fair, they were eight and ten respectively. Lexa rubbed soothing circles into his back nonetheless. “We need to get going soon.”

Aden shook his head. “Go do whatever you need to. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not leaving you alone.” Lexa ruffled his hair. “I know what it’s like, and I’m not going to let you isolate yourself away from the world.”

“Why do you care?”

Lexa shrugged. “I don’t know, my sister said you were a lot like me when I was growing up.”

“Your sister?”

“The sheriff?”

Aden leaned away, a small smile growing. “Sheriff Anya is your sister?”

“Unfortunately. Really tarnishes my bad girl cred.”

Aden rubbed his face roughly with his hands. “I just- It doesn’t compute you know?”

Lexa nodded. “I do. It’s going to be some weird twilight zone for a while.” She murmured. “But hey, you’ve got me yeah?”

“I don’t even know you.”

He had a point. “I guess, but you know my sister, and I’m kind of your probation officer at the moment.”

Aden took in a shaky breath. “What do we do now?”

Lexa pressed her lips into a thin line. “We start with Arkadia. If we don’t come through in a couple of hours we could all be suffering from radiation poisoning. After that, we worry about the outside world.”

Aden nodded. “Let’s go then.”

 

Main Street was already filled with concerned Arkadians shuffling towards the church for the town hall. “We have to find Anya.” Lexa grunted to Aden. “Has your phone died yet?”

“Yeah. It’s done.”

“She’ll just have to take our word for it.”

“Do you think they hit other places too?” Aden muttered. “Is this the end of the world?”

Lexa shrugged. “I think if they hit Denver and Atlanta, then they probably hit other places. Try not to think of it, focus on the present.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I know. Anya!” Lexa shoved her way through the crowd, catching sight of her sister. “Anya!”

The sheriff turned. “Lexa, town hall in ten.”

“Yeah about that.”

Anya grabbed Lexa’s elbow and dragged her away into the back office, the din of panicked citizens immediately dimming enough so that they could hear each other without having to shout. “What’s going on?”

“The hospital’s generator survived, but they only have a few days.” Lexa began. “But here’s the thing, the bunker is trashed. We have to clean it out.”

“Bunker?”

“There’s going to be a fallout.” Aden leaned against Anya’s desk. “Oh by the way, this wasn’t isolated. They hit Atlanta too.”

“What?” Anya whirled on the boy. “How do you know that?”

Lexa laid a hand on her shoulder. “His parents left a voicemail when it… happened.”

Anya stared at the two of them. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.” Aden shrugged.

“The point,” Lexa steered them away. “We have to prepare for the fallout of the blasts. We have maybe a couple of hours. We need to get the entire town underground, there’s rain on the horizon, luckily that means the radiation will be washed out of the air, but it’ll poison us if we get caught in it. The hospital bunker is in bad shape, we need to get it fixed up.”

“There’s a bunker here at the station as well. It’ll need to be cleaned out, but it should be functional.” Anya paced about the office. “Those who have basements will have to hide in their own homes.”

“We need people at the hospital to help.” Lexa said. “I can try and get the air filtration system up and running, but I can’t promise anything.”

“Raven’s a mechanic, I’ll send her with you.”

Lexa had to suppress a victorious grin, now was her chance to get to know her sister’s girlfriend-not-girlfriend. “Perfect.”

“Stay on task.” Anya glared. “Arkadia is relying on you.”

“Osir na chichplei taim wada raunkova klin.” Lexa smirked.

“Shof op.”

“You guys know I’m still here right?” Aden snapped.

“Okay, whatever, we’re going.”

Anya followed the two of them out of the office, gesturing for the sullen girl from earlier to meet them in the hall. Lexa got a better look at her as she grumpily shoved her way through bustling Arkadia police officers. She was pretty, with high cheek bones and eyebrows that could probably cut a man. Her jeans were rumpled and she wore Anya’s police academy sweatshirt, which absolutely tickled Lexa. She hadn’t even spoken to the woman and she already had so much material against her sister.

“What?” She glared at Anya without bothering a glance to Lexa or Aden.

“The hospital’s fallout shelter needs some work done before anybody can seal themselves inside. I’m going to round up some people to help with general cleaning and stuff, but the air filtration system is broken and we need a mechanic.” Anya rolled her eyes. “You’re the best around, Rae.”

Raven narrowed her eyes at the nickname, but apparently let it slide. “How bad?”

“The thing predates the fucking wheel.” Lexa grunted. “I opened it up, most of the mechanical stuff is functional, but there are parts that need replacing, wires that need to be stripped, wires that need replacing. I think some mice got in and chewed them up.”

Raven crossed her arms, looking Lexa up and down. “You sound like you know what you’re talking about.” She cut her eyes to Anya. “Kinda hot.”

It took everything Lexa had not to laugh in her sister’s face. “Appreciated.”

“That’s enough. Just get to work.” Anya rolled her eyes. Lexa nodded towards the door for her slowly growing entourage. “Lexa, I’m serious.”

Lexa turned back. “Me too.”

The heat was on in full force as they jogged towards the clinic. Raven snuck glances to the side of Lexa’s face that Lexa ignored in favor of laughing at Aden’s poor attempt at athleticism.

“So, you’re Lexa?”

“One and only.”

Raven frowned. “Is everyone in your family ridiculously attractive?”

Lexa grinned. “The one obvious exception being Anya. Nice sweatshirt, by the way.”

“It was cold in the station.” Raven grumped. “We’re not together.”

“Sure.”

“It’s true.” They slowed to a walk just down the street. “Can’t say I know much about you though. Clarke and Octavia weren’t happy to hear you were back in town.”

Lexa’s stomach sank. “Yeah, I know.”

“So, what’s the deal? Why does everyone seem to hate you?”

Lexa shrugged. “That’s a long story for another time. Besides, I’m sure everyone in Arkadia wouldn’t mind spilling the sordid details.”

“I’d rather hear them from the source.”

 

As it turns out, Raven really was a very talented mechanic. Almost the second they walked into the room, Raven had popped the motor open and nearly stuck her entire head in to inspect it. She had most of it disassembled in a few minutes, and wires disconnected, half of them stripped, in just over half an hour. Lexa busied herself by directing Aden to start moving storage boxes while she climbed up to change out filters and inspect the fans.

“Got a lot of rust up here.” Lexa muttered. “This fan right here will fall apart, that’s if it spins at all. The other one is fused to the joint, looks like there was an old water leak, rust and lime completely rotting it.”

Raven babbled her response incoherently with a screwdriver clenched between her teeth as she tied wires. Lexa couldn’t make out a single word, but she had to admit she was starting to like her.

“What was that?”

Raven rolled her eyes and spit the screwdriver out. “I said that this is looking pretty bad over here too. The wires will be fine, but there’s a lot of rust.”

Lexa pulled back to look back at the mechanic on the ground. “Can we do it?”

“Absolutely.” Raven scoffed.

“But can we do it in two hours?”

Raven winced. “Probably not.”

Lexa rolled her shoulders. “I’m going to radio Anya. We can’t hold people here, they’ll suffocate.”

“Then where do we send them?” Raven grunted, throwing a wrench down with a resounding clang. “There are people in this hospital that need to be somewhere stable. Not everyone has basements. There’s just not enough space underground for everyone.”

Lexa furrowed her brows. She climbed down to squat beside Raven and pulled a radio from her belt. “Anya?”

They waited a few seconds before Anya’s voice crackled through. “ _Lexa, the town hall is about to wrap up what is it_?”

“Hospital bunker is a no-go. Raven and I can’t get it up and running in two hours. We need to send the patients over to the station.”

“ _Are you kidding? We don’t have enough room for that! We’ve already got people settling in over here_.”

“What can we do? We have patients who can’t just be thrown into random basements across town.”

“ _Fucking hell_.”

“I have an idea, but you won’t like it.” Raven spoke up.

Lexa gave her a wary look. “Raven says she has an idea.”

“ _What is it?_ ”

Raven wiped the sweat off her forehead, leaving a trail of dust and rust smeared across her face. “You guys have a salt mine, right?” Lexa nodded. “If we can seal it, we can put as many people as we want in there.”

“How do we seal it?” Lexa asked.

Raven nibbled on her bottom lip. “You think they’ll have explosives on site?”

“ _Raven Reyes, we are not blowing up the fucking salt mine with people inside_.” Anya’s voice crackled over the radio.

“Look, I’m just saying that if we pack everyone who doesn’t have a basement into the salt mine and then we very carefully place charges around the entrance we can-“

“ _Kill everyone inside_.” Anya interrupted. “ _Are you kidding me? You’re a genius, but this is just ridiculous.”_

“Don’t be patronizing.” Raven rolled her eyes. “It’s not impossible, we just have to be careful. We take the most critical patients and put them at the station and then everyone else goes to the mine. Then as soon as the rain lets up and the coast is clear we rush over to dig everyone out.”

“ _Raven I am not letting you anywhere near those charges_ -“

“This isn’t like that one time-“

“ _Are you sure because it sounds a lot like-“_

“This isn’t an experiment, I can do this.”

Lexa’s eyebrows inched closer to her hairline with every passing minute. “Alright,” Lexa snatched the radio. “I hate to interrupt this lover’s quarrel, but we need to make a decision now.” Lexa glanced over Raven. “Anya, I’m going to back Raven on this one. We don’t have many options. This is our best shot.”

“ _Lexa-“_

“Anya.”

Anya swore. “ _Fine, get it done._ ”

“Aden!” Lexa called to the teenager as he wandered back into the room. “Change of plans. I need you to fetch Thelonious Jaha, tell him to meet us at the salt mine.”

Aden glared. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No, Aden.” Lexa snapped. “We have to get going, okay? Just go.”

Raven and Lexa clambered to their feet. “We have to tell Jackson, have him and his nurses load up all of the patients on buses so we can take them over to the station.” Lexa muttered. “We’ll need your help.”

“You’ve got it.” Raven shrugged.

 

Ultimately, it only took them another hour to finish packing up the patients in the clinic onto buses. Lexa found herself at the wheel of yet another school bus, but this time Raven sat in the seat behind her. “You know, I still haven’t figured out how to drive these things.”

Raven smirked. “You’re a bus driving hero.”

“Are you flirting with me?” Lexa grinned in the mirror.

“Oh please, I think Octavia would flay me alive.” Raven winked. “I’m more into blondes.”

“So, what is it with you and my sister?” Lexa pushed the bus into gear to pull out of the hospital. “I heard you two arguing pretty heavily this morning.”

Raven’s good mood seemed to vanish. “I don’t know. I was freaked out, and you know how Anya is, she’s kind of… emotionally distant.”

Lexa shrugged. “She’s an idiot. But I can tell when my sister cares about someone. She’s into you.”

“It’s casual.”

“Not to her.”

Raven fell silent. “You think so?” She asked after a while.

Lexa nodded. “When we were kids, every now and then the older kids, usually Bellamy’s friends, would pick on me. Anya was there, but like, she wasn’t. I kind of hoped she would step in you know? But she never did. Anya’s not the protective, caring type. But you know this morning? She was all protective. She looked like she was ready to fight every single terrorist and bad guy out there. I know it’s not on my behalf, she’s never stepped in when it came to me. Some bullshit about me being able to fight my own battles. I’ve never seen her like that before. If she wasn’t willing to stand up to a couple of bullies for her younger sister, then you must be something special.” Lexa shrugged. “I don’t know though. I haven’t been around for the last few years.”

Lexa could see Raven fighting a smile as she stared at her feet. “You know, from the way Clarke and everyone talks about you, I thought you would be much more, I don’t know.”

“Evil?”

“Maybe.”

Lexa grimaced. “Yeah.”

Raven leaned forward to rest her elbows on the back of Lexa’s seat. “You gotta tell me that story sometime. Maybe over drinks or something.”

“In-law bonding?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

 

 

 

 

“You know…” Brent drawled, fiddling with the mug before him. “I’m starting to think this brother of yours isn’t coming.”

Clarke and Octavia exchanged alarmed looks. “What do you-“ Octavia began.

“We’ve been here for hours.” Jay grunted. “Where the hell is your brother?”

Clarke had to swallow the rising panic in her throat. “We don’t exactly have a way of contacting him. He’s at the town hall.”

“We’ve got shit to do!” Brent slammed his hand on the table, standing up and knocking his chair back.

Clarke’s gaze fell back to the holster on his belt. “Your radio.”

“What?”

“Your radio! I can try a couple of frequencies to see if anyone knows where he is.” Clarke spoke quickly, she couldn’t afford to lose an opportunity to get help.

Brent and Jay glared at each other in a silent argument. Finally, Brent pulled the radio from his belt and slammed it on the table. “Radio out.”

Clarke reached a shaky hand out to snatch the radio. She started on channel one. “Hello? Hello anyone there?”

No answer.

She tried the second channel. “Hello? It’s Clarke Griffin, if you hear this message please respond.”

Octavia’s eyes were wide with increasing panic as channel after channel yielded no results.

Channel eight. “Anybody there? Hello?”

Static, just as Clarke went to turn the nob to the next channel, a voice crackled through. “ _Clarke?”_

Clarke’s heart leapt in her throat. Now was her chance. She seized forward to intercept her before she could say anything else. “ _Leksa, yu nou laik chicha gonasleng.”_

There was silence for a few seconds. “ _Klark, chit ste foto?”_

Clarke breathed a sigh of relief, though it was short lived. Brent snatched the radio away from her. “What the fuck did you just say to her? What is she saying?”

Octavia looked seconds from decking the man. Clarke stood, her hands out to defend herself. “It’s not like that-“

“ _Klark? Chomouda osir chich Trigedasleng op?”_ Lexa was clearly concerned now, and Clarke desperately needed her to just shut up.

“She doesn’t speak English!” Clarke blurted out. “She doesn’t know English. She’s my girlfriend, and we met abroad. She’s friends with Bellamy and said she’d be at the town hall. She can help us, but she doesn’t speak English.”

Brent narrowed his eyes. “ _Klark? Chit ste foto?”_

Clarke held her hand out for the radio and thankfully, Brent complied. “ _Leksa, ai ste hir.”_

_“Jok, Klark. Chit ste foto?”_

Clarke glanced around the room nervously. “ _Baga kep osir in. Osir laik kepon. Emo gada fayogon in. Emo gaf Belomi in gon fil op gon Blake ponis.”_

There was silence on the other end. “ _Ai komba daunde raun.”_

Clarke shook with relief. “She said she’s sending him down. He’ll be here soon.”

 

 

“Raven, I have to go.”

“What?” Raven twisted from where she was fastening a charge to the roof of the mine. “What the fuck? Lexa the rain is going to be here any minute!”

“Clarke’s in trouble. I have to go to the Blake farm.”

“I’m coming with you!” Raven hopped down to follow Lexa.

“No, finish with this, I’m going to detonate the charges from outside. Radio in and say ‘all clear’ when everyone’s far enough down.”

“If Clarke’s in trouble-“

“There are men with guns, Raven. No offense, but I can’t have you getting hurt while I’m trying to help Clarke. Anya would probably kill me.” Lexa shoved Raven towards the mine. “Go. Get everyone to safety. I’ll be okay.”

Lexa stumbled down the side of the entrance to the mine as she led the charge as far as she could go. Lexa slid to a stop by her truck and held the radio to her ear. The wind was picking up and she could smell the impending rain. She had a few minutes at best.

“C’mon. C’mon, Raven-“

“All clea-“

Lexa pressed the button. She didn’t bother to watch the explosion, she hopped in the truck and sped away, nearly losing control before she could pull onto the road towards the Blake farm.

 

 

It didn’t take long for everything to go to shit.

It started with wandering hands. Jay got a little too handsy with Octavia, and Octavia being Octavia broke his nose. Clarke tried to grab Octavia and pull her away from them, but Brent was there with a bruising grip on her bicep.

They separated her from Octavia, which in all intents and purposes, was the worst move for them. Separated like that, Clarke and Octavia were in serious danger.

It was time to make her move.

Brent glared at her from the door of the bedroom as Clarke sat on the bed. He hadn’t pulled his gun from his holster, and Clarke knew she could likely point her antique at him before he could unlatch his own.

Clarke shot up and leveled the barrel of her gun directly between his eyes. “You’re going to let Octavia and I go. Now.”

Brent’s upper lip curled in a sneer. “There’s no version of this where you get to walk away alive, bitch.”

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” Clarke snarled. Brent rolled his eyes and pulled the door open. “We’re going outside to the cruiser.”

When they walked through the living room, Jay and Octavia jumped to their feet. “Octavia, come with me.”

The wind outside had picked up and Clarke could smell the rain coming. “You’re going to get in the back of the car. So is your friend and we’re going to wait for the real deputies to get here.”

Brent moved too fast for Clarke to react. He had Octavia in a chokehold in seconds, and the gun in his holster pointed to her temple. “Drop the gun or she dies.”

Clarke wished she could hide the tremor in her hands. Her eyes were wide, and she could feel sweat rolling down her spine. “Let her go.”

“I think you’ve lost all of your leverage here sweetheart. Put the gun down.” Brent sneered.

Clarke grit her teeth. “Octavia!”

Octavia seemed to get the idea. Her hand snaked up and grabbed the barrel of the gun, yanking it away from her head. She ducked down, bringing Brent with her. Clarke didn’t think twice, she fired.

Blood slowly bloomed across the front of Brent’s shirt. His eyes glazed over as he stumbled forward, his gun fired into the ground a few times before he finally fell face first into the dust.

“Clarke, get down!”

Clarke whipped around to find Lexa, a gun of her own aimed just over her shoulder. Clarke couldn’t move, but Lexa fired anyway.

The shots startled her, and Clarke blearily turned to find Jay tumble down the porch steps, a similar wound in his chest.

“Octavia, the storm shelter. Go now.”

“Fuck-“

“Don’t argue with me!” Lexa snapped, tucking her gun away as she jogged to Clarke. “If you don’t want to die from radiation poisoning then get in the god damn storm shelter!”

Clarke couldn’t keep track of everything. The storm rolling in and the shock made everything blur together.

There was only Lexa.

“Clarke, we need to go.” Lexa was saying. Clarke hadn’t registered that she was talking. “Clarke. Clarke, _beja_.”

Clarke shook her head, her gaze drifting back to Brent and his empty gaze.

“Clarke, _hodnes,_ we have to go.”

Clarke wasn’t sure what shook her out of her stupor. Lexa’s eyes threatened to swallow her whole. There was something strange about it all, something wasn’t right. But nevertheless, she let Lexa lead her away to the storm shelter.

Only seconds after Lexa sealed the hatch to the shelter, they heard the pattering of raindrops on the metal cover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like, this is 9000 words of pure sleep deprivation. Got through finals, then started and finished a whole summer class since the last update. Crazy right? Anyway, I couldn't really find a good place to cut this off, so I'm kind of dumping it all right now.  
> There was a lot of Trig in this chapter, and tbh I'm not great with translations? I think it all mostly makes sense. I had to make up a few words tho like for soccer and clorophil. Then like, there's no word for fuel or diesel or oil you know? So I had to make up the words for "fill up" as in like, full tank. Idk I may go back and change that because I'm not a fan.  
> Anyway, I'm not a huge fan of this chapter tbh, it feels kind of rushed, but that just might be me being really really tired right now. hope everyone likes!
> 
> Hakom em skai ste ouska?- Why is the sky blue?  
> Ai ticha tel osir op yujleda ste nulif kos gon klorofil. Em laik ridiyo?- My teacher says leaves are green because of chlorofil. Is that true?  
> Onya, miya plei kom ai.- Anya, come play with me.  
> Yu ste bos.- You're the best.  
> Beja, prisa. Sis ai au?- Please princess. Help me out?  
> Ai don tel yu op bilaik em fleim ai klin.- I told you she hates me.  
> Osir na chichplei taim wada raunkova klin.- We can talk while we clean out the room.  
> Leksa, yu nou laik chicha gonasleng.- Lexa, you don't speak English (You're not an English speaker)  
> Klark, chit ste foto?- Clarke, what's wrong?  
> Klark? Chomouda osir chich Trigedasleng op?- Clarke? Why are we speaking Trigedasleng?  
> Leksa, ai ste hir.- Lexa, I'm here.  
> Baga kep osir in. Osir laik kepon. Emo gada fayogon in. Emo gaf Belomi in gon fil op gon Blake ponis.- (Bad guys) are keeping us. We're hostages. They have guns. They want Bellamy for a (fill up) at Blake farm.  
> Ai komba daunde raun.- I'm on my way. (I'm coming over there)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol

_Lexa knew she shouldn’t, but she let her eyes linger on her captain’s throat as she knocked back a shot in the dingy bar just off base. It was the kind of place eager to serve anyone who walked in, no matter who they were, what language they spoke, what targets they pointed their guns at. Their squad populated half the bar, with the other half sketchy looking groups, hauntingly similar to the people they spent the day shooting down. It was quite simple, Lexa realized as Costia took another shot. They weren’t the good guys here, and that was fact._

_They all had their demons, Lexa tore her eyes away from the column of skin she desperately wanted to lick, and let her eyes wander around the bar. She didn’t want to want her captain. She didn’t want to want anything. But she took some amount of solace in knowing she was in no way the worst case among her squadmates. Artigas sat slouched in the corner, a booth that needed to be reupholstered after what seemed to be years of nervous fingers picking at the pleather seats. He had his head in his hands, and several empty glasses before him. Lexa could relate. The boy had killed his first mark that day, and he wasn’t taking it well. Lexa couldn’t understand why he’d become a sniper in the first place if he wasn’t ready to kill, but then again, she knew no one was really ready to kill._

_Gustus sat bleary eyed at a table, his beard dripping with sweat, Lexa thought he’d be somewhat better, but for such a massive guy he was a light weight. It made for fun nights with the squad, but Lexa knew most of them wouldn’t be up for a party for a while._

_She could see the way the weight of the day settled heavy on their shoulders, and Lexa found a dark sense of humor in it all. No amount of training really prepared anybody for the sudden realization that they were the villain of the story. There was just not going to be anything they could do._

_Lexa stole the third shot from her captain with nimble fingers, knocking it back before she could be properly scolded. Costia’s eyes finally settled on her, and Lexa tried not to preen too much. “This is the worst part of having a new squad, I think. The aftermath of the first mission.”_

_“I won’t be holding back Arty’s hair tonight.” Lexa shrugged. “Or Gus’s.”_

_“How long until Nyko snorts lines in the bathroom?”_

_Lexa grinned. “Would it be insubordination if I said I won’t hold back your hair either?” She set the shot glass down. “You should slow it down.”_

_Costia shrugged. “I hate seeing the hopelessness, the despair.”_

_Lexa stared hard down at the glasses in front of them. “Nightblood was the hope.” Lexa shook her head. “We’re all running, you know? None of us are good people, it’s a dick punch to realize after all the gallows humor and the hard work we’re just doing the same things we were doing State-side over here.”_

_“Artigas has never shot someone.” Costia shook her head. “I’d hazard neither has Gustus.”_

_Lexa shrugged. “It’s hard the first time, you know that.”_

_Costia turned, watching Lexa with furrowed brows. “You sound like today wasn’t yours.”_

_Lexa motioned for two more shots, when Costia reached for one, she slapped her hand away. “I’m not a good person, you know that.” She offered weakly, throat burning after the first go._

_“I shouldn’t be letting you drink like this.”_

_“They get to,”_

_“They’re not alcoholics.”_

_Lexa shrugged. “Developing.” Lexa offered a sideways smile. “Not full blown just yet.”_

_“You can stop anytime?” Costia teased. “I’m serious Woods.”_

_Lexa slid the other shot over to her captain. “Fine. Sober from now on yeah?”_

_Costia nodded sharply. “Okay.”_

_“Now how else am I going to chase away my demons?” Lexa leaned in, grinning at the subtle dilation in Costia’s pupils._

_“I have a few ideas.”_

“You want to explain what the fuck we’re doing down here?” Octavia turned on Lexa so quickly it startled Clarke from her shock-haze. “Who the fuck do you think you are? I don’t care if Clarke called you for help, you don’t get to come around bossing us about like you own the damn place!” She was yelling now, and Lexa could see the vein in her temple begin to bulge.

Clarke settled lightly on a cot pushed in the corner. The sheets were threadbare and Hello Kitty themed, probably old relics from Octavia’s childhood used to make a more comfortable storm shelter for nighttime emergencies. Dented cans and dusty jars lined a shelf in the other corner, something Lexa was grateful for. There was no telling how long they’d be down there for. A case of water sat on the floor in the general area of the food shelf. An ancient radio sat next to the cot, but Lexa knew it’d be useless. Besides, she had contact with Anya and Raven through the handheld radios.

Lexa ignored Octavia, for the most part. She was a lot of bluster for very little follow up, and Lexa knew her focus would be better spent on making sure Clarke was okay. “Clarke?”

“They separated us.” Clarke whispered, tears glistening in her eyes. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“I know you didn’t, Clarke.” Lexa approached slowly, crouching before her and looking up into her eyes. “You did what you had to do to survive.”

Clarke nodded, a tear escaped one of her eyes, but she didn’t bother to wipe it away. Lexa wanted to reach out to her, wanted to comfort her, but she knew it wasn’t her place, so she withdrew. “The rain is radioactive.” Lexa stood to pace towards Octavia, a steely glare silencing the angry girl before her. “The fallout is going to poison anyone caught in it. We’ll be safe down here until the rain is done. By then the radioactivity will have been washed from the air. It’s going to take a lot to make the ground safe again for planting, and the wells are poisoned, but that’s another problem for another day.”

Octavia’s hackles seemed to lower just a little as Lexa explained the situation. She must have realized how close she had come to death, even after their captors were killed. “I still don’t like you.”

Lexa smirked. “Noted.” She lowered herself to the ground in a cobwebbed corner of the room, across from Clarke. “Where’s Bellamy?”

Clarke scrunched her eyebrows together. “I thought he was at the town hall.”

Lexa shrugged. “He may have been, I was at the hospital getting everyone evacuated. I can radio Anya and Raven to see if he’s either at the station or in the mine.”

“The mine?” Octavia seemed to startle. “Why would he be there?”

Lexa shook her head. “The hospital bunker was useless. We had to bring the patients to the station bunker and then send everyone else to the mine. It was Raven’s idea to seal them in with dynamite.”

“Damn,” Clarke rubbed at her temples. “We don’t let Raven have access to explosives.”

“I need to radio in and check with them anyway.” Lexa shrugged. She pulled the handheld radio from her belt and pressed the button. “Raven come in, Raven. Everyone down there okay?”

“ _Lexa! Christ I can’t believe you made it! What happened? Is Clarke okay?”_

“Everyone’s okay.” Lexa glanced to Clarke. “Octavia and Clarke are both safe, we’re in the storm shelter right now. Everyone’s safe in the mine?”

“ _Yeah we’re all okay. Aden is being a pain in the ass.”_

 _“Am not!”_ Aden’s voice chimed in the background.

“ _He is.”_

Lexa grinned. “Okay, have you made contact with Anya yet?”

“ _Yeah, she says everyone is safe on her end.”_

 _“_ Is Bellamy in the mine?”

“ _Bellamy? No, I don’t think so, why?”_

Lexa grimaced. “He’s missing. I’m going to radio Anya and see if he stayed in town after the town hall.”

_“Okay, I didn’t see him helping out at the hospital either.”_

“Got it, thanks Raven.”

Octavia had quieted down in the corner, and Lexa could see the blood steadily draining from her face. “It’s okay, we’ll check in with Anya, he’s probably over there.”

Lexa wasn’t entirely sure why she was bothering to comfort Octavia Blake; the younger girl wasn’t her biggest fan. And though they had never had a falling out, she knew a once tenuous friendship had soured.

Lexa switched the channel on the handheld. “Anya?”

There were a few tense moments before the static switched in. “ _Lexa? Holy shit, Raven told me the stunt you pulled, I’m going to kick your ass!”_

Lexa smiled, bringing her gaze down away from the other two in the room. “Yeah, well, everyone’s safe now. We’re looking for Bellamy. Did he stick around in town?”

“ _No, he’s not here. I didn’t see him after the town hall. Maybe he left early?”_

Lexa blanched. “Do you think he knows about the fallout?”

“ _Shit, Lexa, I don’t know. We didn’t even know about it until late.”_

Lexa swore. “Okay, thanks. We’re in the storm shelter at the Blake farm, we’ll meet you guys at the mine when the rain lets up to help dig them out.”

“So, what? My brother’s missing and we’re just going to leave him out there?”

Lexa rubbed at her temples. “I don’t know what you expect us to do, seeing as we won’t get very far at all if we go after him.”

“We stay here.” Clarke was quiet, but it cut through whatever argument Octavia was ready to make like a hot knife through butter. “Bellamy is a grown ass adult who can take care of himself. It doesn’t do him any good if we kill ourselves looking for him.”

Octavia pursed her lips in a pout she would never admit to having and settled onto the bottom step of the entrance to the storm shelter. Finally, they fell into silence, listening to the patter of the rain. It sounded so peaceful, natural for something so sinister as to kill them in seconds. Lexa felt a shiver run down her back. They cut it close today.

Lexa looked back to Clarke. She was a magnet, Lexa realized. Her gaze never strayed for long before it fell back to Clarke.

She always seemed to find her way to Clarke.

She seemed to close in on herself, small and curled up, Clarke stared at her knees. Lexa could see the gears turning in her head, could see the way she realized and churned and processed the events of the day, what she had become.

Lexa’s heart broke.

She had torn herself away, in the process torn herself apart, just to prevent Clarke from ever going through what she had. She killed and shot and hid to prevent exactly this. Lexa let the blood dry on her hands, rather than Clarke’s. She bore the weight of hundreds of deaths so that Clarke wouldn’t have to. And yet, Clarke still ended up here, at the end of the world, blood on her hands and that haunted look in her eye.

Lexa had spent many nights watching new Nightblood recruits meditate on their humanity looking exactly like Clarke did in that moment. There were some that made it through, shouldered their grief and guilt and carried the weight because it was their duty.

But she saw plenty of others crumble.

Lexa had no doubt Clarke would make it through. She was stronger than anyone Lexa had ever met. Resilient and steadfast and _stubborn_. Clarke could survive anything, even this. Even so, Lexa wanted to march outside and wake the dead just so she could kill them herself this time.

It seemed like hours before Lexa could find the air in her lungs to breathe, let alone the courage to speak. But she needed to talk to Clarke, needed to be _here_ with _Clarke_.

“This doesn’t make you anything.” Lexa murmured, watching as Clarke startled and the full force of those blue, blue eyes settled on her. “What happened out there? It doesn’t define you.”

Lexa could see the beginnings of a sneer on Octavia’s face as she spoke, but Clarke beat her to the punch.

“How do you do it? Live with that?” She was quiet, but the anguish in her eyes was the deepest cut, Lexa didn’t know how she could ever survive that look in Clarke’s eyes. She never could stand to see Clarke upset, even about as something as small as rain on a day she wanted to spend outside.

Lexa shrugged. “I haven’t figured it out yet. It doesn’t get easier.” She paused to look for the right words. “But shouldering it becomes routine. You start with today. Then move on to tomorrow.”

“Was that what you did? These last few years? Live day by day just, gritting your teeth?”

Lexa shook her head, a wry smile growing on her face. She wanted to push it down, but she felt like she was sweating sadness at this point, why bother? “It’s more complicated than that, Clarke. I didn’t just sit on my ass out there, if that’s what you think.”

“Well I don’t exactly know much about you, now, do I?” Clarke bit out, a single, traitorous tear leaked out and streaked down her face.

Lexa didn’t have the energy to bare her teeth for a fight. It wasn’t the time. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

Clarke fell silent again, she watched Lexa carefully, and she had the distinct impression that whatever test Clarke was giving her, she had failed. “It’s not about me.”

“It is.” Lexa snarled. “It is. Because it always is. I hurt you, I get that. I’m not a fucking idiot. I hurt a lot of people, it’s what I do. But I don’t know what you want from me. I would say I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure we both know how useless that is. Do you want me to walk over there and hug you like I’m the same person you loved all those years ago? I wanted to disappear yesterday, but those plans got a little derailed, I’m not sure if you’ve heard.” Lexa knew she was being harsh, but she couldn’t stop herself. “I’m trying very hard, Clarke, to keep your feelings in mind, to stay away and give you space because I’m absolutely fucking _positive_ you don’t want me around, but it’s kind of hard to do that when I’m stuck in this tiny ass hick town! We’re going to have to live with the fact that we’re stuck, so let’s get it straight yeah? What do you _want_?”

Octavia, for all her emotional ignorance, at least had the good grace to keep her mouth shut. Clarke glared at Lexa from across the room. “I want to know what the hell happened. All of it. I want to know why you left and what you did while you were gone. I’m just trying to understand how we went from us, to nothing. Like I never mattered to you.”

Lexa slumped against the stone wall, exhausted and emotionally drained. “I’ve always loved you, you know that.”

A pillow smacked her in the face. Lexa hadn’t even seen her move to throw it. “Then tell me damn it! Fucking spit it out! You wax poetic about all of this angst bullshit, but you never follow through and there’s only so many vague lines about how dangerous you are taken straight from some crappy teen romance novel that I can take before I’m going to lose my goddamn mind!”

Lexa ground her teeth together. “I left because Jake told me to.”

Clarke stilled. Lexa could see the approximate moment her heart skipped a beat, and she hated herself for saying anything. “What?”

Lexa pinched at the bridge of her nose. “The only way to get Nia off my back and away from my sisters was to stage a coup. I went to get Roan onboard over in Polis, but his cousin Echo and her boyfriend Quint were there with him, and apparently, they were loyalists. I showed up and Roan and I got jumped. Echo made a run for it afterwards, but I shot Quint in the fight. He died on scene, right? Well, obviously Roan and I got arrested for it. I was being held in one of the state jails awaiting trial when Jake came in, said he’d make sure my sisters and you were safe, you know? He said he’d made a deal with Nia that he’d work with her, you know those good government contacts and stuff, he was in with the police force and several city governments, being on the council here at Arkadia. He said that while it would keep everyone I cared about safe, the deal was that I disappeared. I had to be out of Nia’s territory or she’d come for me and my family.”

Clarke shook her head. “You got my father involved with Nia-“

“I didn’t ask for this!” Lexa snapped. “I didn’t ask for him to get involved. He saved my life, Clarke. Probably saved yours too, and my sisters. He’s a grown ass man, I’ve made enough mistakes in my life without you people piling on everyone else’s conveniently on me.”

That stubborn set to Clarke’s jaw, Lexa fell in love with those years ago. It infuriated her when they fought, turned her on sometimes, but mostly Lexa just loved her. It was an inevitability and even Clarke’s flaws left Lexa speechless. She glared from across the room, but Lexa refused to back down. She wasn’t perfect, but this wasn’t right.

Eventually Clarke’s glare softened, when her gaze left Lexa, Lexa wasn’t sure she was relieved. Even angry, Clarke was refreshing. Something about seeing Clarke healthy and alive after years away from her made Lexa feel _better_. Like she’d lost object permanence and Clarke had become a figment of her imagination the minute she left Arkadia.

But that relief, that feeling in her lungs when she breathed in as deep as she could, was short lived when Clarke deflated the way that she did, her head hung and shoulders sagging. “I want to hate you.”

That was the knife to her heart. Lexa was positive. She was sure that she would die, right there, on the ground in the Blakes’ storm shelter. “I understand.” She whispered.

Clarke sniffled, scrubbed at imaginary tears on her face. “I want to. I really do. But I’m too tired for that.” Clarke shook her head, blonde tresses falling around her face. “I’m so tired, Lexa.”

Lexa felt like she was choking. She couldn’t let the tears fall, not when Octavia was right there. But she wanted to. She wanted to curl into a ball on the floor, cry a little bit, and then sink into the stone, never to move again. “Me too.”

Lexa wanted to say more, maybe move from the floor, approach Clarke, but they were cut off by scraping and shuffling above them. Clarke and Lexa both sprung to their feet. Lexa pushed the two other women behind her, pulling her handgun from her belt and aiming it at the section of stairs just below the entrance to the storm shelter. She wasn’t sure how accurate Clarke’s shot had been, it could be one of the men outside looking to get supplies to treat themselves.

The shelter door burst open, and a body hopped in and closed the hatch behind him. Water poured from his soaked clothes, and in a few rushed steps, Bellamy Blake appeared at the bottom of the steps. Lexa heaved a sigh of relief and lowered her gun.

“Bellamy!” Octavia nearly knocked Lexa over in a lunge for her brother.

“Wait, don’t touch him!” Lexa grabbed Octavia by the waist and hauled her away, just inches from her brother’s open arms. “You could get sick.”

“Anyone want to explain why there’s two fucking _bodies_ outside on our porch?” Bellamy directed his glare straight at Lexa, and while she supposed it was a fair assumption, she didn’t have to like it.

“Get the fuck off me! He’s my brother.” Octavia shoved Lexa into one of the walls.

“What part of ‘poison rain’ don’t you fucking get?” Lexa snapped. “You hug him, you could get just as sick. Don’t touch him.”

“So what?” Octavia yelled. “I’m supposed to just sit here and watch him get sick?”

“That’s not what I said.” Lexa moved to Bellamy. “Sorry Bell, I need you to stay on the stairs okay? It’s too dangerous for you to get close to us. Didn’t you know about the fallout?”

Bellamy shook his shaggy head, and the three girls cringed away from the droplets of water he sent flying from his hair. “No? I left the town hall early, it was dragging on and I had to get back. What about it?”

Lexa rolled her eyes but let herself smile anyway. “You idiot.” She was fond of Bellamy, and this little stunt of his was pretty on brand. “I’m going to radio Anya. Get her to let me talk to Jackson, maybe there’s something we can do to help.”

Clarke pulled Octavia away and towards the cot. “Let’s keep away for now okay? I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

Lexa pulled the radio from her belt and spoke quietly. “Anya? You there?”

“ _Lexa? What is it now?”_

“We found Bellamy. He was caught in the rain. Can you put Jackson on?”

Anya’s swearing crackled in and out, and Lexa had to hide a smile. “Is she worried about me?” Bellamy called from across the room, a charming, lopsided smile stretching across his face. “I knew she liked me.”

Clarke and Octavia shared equally exasperated looks before Anya’s voice crackled in again. “ _Yeah, hold on strisis, I see him. I’m going to get him away from the rest, I get the feeling this conversation is not something people should be overhearing if we don’t want a panic.”_

 _“_ Good call.” Lexa muttered, glancing to Octavia.

“ _Lexa? Bellamy was caught in the rain?”_

“Yeah, he was in the rain for maybe twenty minutes.”

_“Okay, do you guys have any iodine on hand?”_

Lexa looked towards Octavia. “Do you?”

Octavia nodded and moved toward the shelf and pulled a small first aid kit from behind a few cans. “I think we have a bottle in here.”

“ _Good, give Bellamy a tablespoon of iodine, mix it in with some food or-“_

Before Jackson could finish his sentence, Bellamy lunged forward and snatched the bottle from Octavia’s hand. With a roll of his eyes he tipped the bottle up and took two gulps before capping the bottle and tossing it away. “Done,”

Lexa’s jaw dropped a little as Bellamy gagged a few times. “Uh, consider it done. What else?”

“ _Wait a few hours and as soon as the rain stops, get him to the clinic_.”

“Okay, anything else?”

“ _If he starts to vomit in the next few hours, get him out of there.”_

“Why?”

“ _Because Bellamy is going to die.”_

Everyone in the room stilled. Collectively they held their breath as Bellamy coughed and gagged in the corner. “Thanks Jackson.”

Lexa stared in horror at her friend as he tried to shrug away their concern for him. “I’ll be fine, it’s not a big deal.”

“It kind of is.” Octavia snarled from the corner.

“Don’t worry about me.” Bellamy smiled sadly at his sister. “Really, I drank the iodine and all that, I’m fine. See? Nothing’s happening.”

Lexa, and the other two girls for that matter, knew that it was a pitiful attempt to calm Octavia down. They knew it was likely to be another few hours before they saw the radiation poisoning take effect, but Lexa admired his positive attitude about the whole situation.

“How bad is it out there? Do you think the storm will let up soon?” Lexa asked, lowering herself back to the floor where she had been sitting before.

Bellamy shrugged. “I don’t really know. It was raining hard for a little bit, but you know how heavy storms like that are. It could last anywhere from ten minutes to three days.”

“Now just isn’t the time for heat storms like this.” Octavia grumbled.

“You guys want to explain the bodies now?” Bellamy asked, pointedly glaring at Lexa.

Lexa wanted to hear the whole story herself, so she looked to Clarke. “I came over because I was stressed.” Clarke avoided Lexa’s eyes, and Lexa knew she was talking about their situation. “And while Octavia and I were having coffee there was a knock at the door. The two men out there were wearing officer uniforms and they were asking for a fill up from the pumps.” Clarke took a breath. “Their story didn’t make sense. They said that they were new transfers, and they didn’t know who Anya was, or that she was the sheriff.” Clarke shrugged. “They had guns, so I knew things could get violent.”

“What did you say to them?”

“Just that we were waiting for you because you had the key to the pumps.” Octavia rubbed her temples.

“Anyway, we kept them distracted, but you never showed. They got more and more agitated. I finally got the idea to radio someone, and when Lexa answered I took my chance.” Clarke finally looked at Lexa, and Lexa’s chest ached. “Lexa pretended not to know English, so I would have an excuse to use a language they didn’t know. Lexa came to help.”

Lexa nodded when it was clear Clarke didn’t want to add anything else. “They got violent when I showed up. It was lucky Clarke and Octavia weren’t hurt.”

Bellamy frowned at them. “I should have been there.”

Clarke shook her head. “It’s not your fault. You were out taking care of the farm. You couldn’t have known this would happen.”

Bellamy’s eyes wandered to Lexa as she sat hunched on the floor. She didn’t like the look he was giving her, entirely too blank. She could feel herself projecting her own self-loathing onto him. This was _Bellamy_ , he was stupid and egotistical and far too kind to truly hate her. Lexa avoided his gaze, she was weak and she’d accepted that.

“What are we going to say to the police?” Bellamy asked aloud, but mostly towards Lexa. If anyone knew how to get away with murder, she supposed it’d be the one person in the room who had.

“We don’t say anything.” Lexa shrugged, rubbing at her face in a forceful attempt to physically shove the tears back into their ducts. “It doesn’t matter in the end. This is just the world we live in now.”

“Okay, cynical.” Octavia rolled her eyes. “This isn’t going to last forever. They’re going to find the bodies.”

Lexa shook her head. “You don’t understand. You know what I did today?” She glared at the others. “I desperately tried to prepare everyone for the fallout. But there’s this kid, Anya arrested him yesterday or something, and she made me watch after him. I don’t know.” Lexa’s gaze finally landed on Clarke’s. “His parents left him a voicemail message the minute the bomb dropped and killed them.” Lexa took a breath. “In Atlanta.”

The other three didn’t seem to comprehend it nearly the way she expected them to. Lexa shook her head. “Denver wasn’t the only bomb. They hit Atlanta too, and who knows how many other cities.” Lexa took a shaky breath. “This wasn’t an accident. It’s an attack. The government isn’t coming to save us, no feds coming to investigate murders. Arkadia is on its own.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! This is a bit shorter than I prefer in my updates but like, whatevs. Anyway, some minor movement on plot, Clarke and Lexa finally had a little bit of a talk. They've got a long way to go before Clarke can trust Lexa again. You know how it is. A taste of Costia and Lexa's relationship. I actually can't wait to develop that a little bit more because it honestly has my heart aching thinking about it lol. Anyway, please share your thoughts! Yell about canon or whatever, gush. Feels a bit like the fandom is dying tbh but like, I haven't really found a suitable substitute, I'm trying to get into supergirl but idk, it's not CLEXA and that's gonna be the death of me in the end

**Author's Note:**

> So how was that yeah? I want to remind anyone that if you haven't read the note up top, it's important. It contains a little bit of background info, some disclaimers, and content warnings.
> 
> This fic idea has been bothering the hell out of me in a way that keeps me up at night. I'm hoping writing it out will help. If it's not your cup of tea, check out my other works Pinch Me and Out of the Sky. One day I dream of finishing them.


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